Love Lead Me to You©

I have so many things on my heart. It's where I think from, breathe from - write from. Sometimes I am so full emotionally. Where I am in a moment, there is my pen. And I willingly share it.
I was talking to a friend the other day, and he painted such a beautiful picture of his love. At the end of our conversation, I was so inspired by it, that I wrote this piece....

Love lead me to you
to the vibration of you
Before
We were two souls floundering
wandering about our days
Always hoping
as we arose
and drifted off to sleep
that one day
we would be ready
ready for each other
that one day, we would meet
I longed for you
Prayed for you
Dreamed of you
Long before
there was you
And now you're here
Love lead me to you
Through all my pain and heartaches
you were there
Through break up after break up
you were there
All this pain and joy
All this crazy journey
groomed me for you
When I was sad and lonely
losing all sense of hope
There you were
Love lead me to you
When you were alone and afraid
I was there
When you cried countless, silent tears
I was there
When you prayed and prayed for the one
when you lost all hope - had given up
There I was
Love lead me to you
Baby, let's take each moment we have
Savor each moment we share
hold on tight and never let go
And as we walk this road together
our road together
side by side off into the sunset
Let us each be so thankful
For God is love
And his love lead me to you.....

How I Feel©

I write as often as I do, as part of my cleansing process. I don't know what my words may mean to you the reader, but for me, they are a way to cut away all the superficial and deal with the real. These words are me - good and bad. And with this outpouring - as part of cleansing, I feel it's important to me to apologize for my past. Maybe not directly to the person, but at least symbolically. It's not even about what they did, or what I did or even how bad it was. I just feel like if I can apologize, I can get rid of the hurt or anger or dispppointment, and move on. I always want to feel like I'm evolving. And when you are mired in self pity, anger and all that bullshit, you are missing the bigger picture: Your life has so much value. You are worth more than this moment that you are feeling. You love the hell out of him or her, and I get that. I do too. But guess what? They are gone, and you are here and there is more. If I haven't said it here already, there is a difference between love and your self respect. When those lines are crossed, you've got some changing - and maybe some leaving to do. You should be able to love someone AND respect yourself. And when you don't....just something to help you think. When you're in it, you don't think so well. This is just how I feel....

You feel me - feel the pain I hide?
It's buried way down deep inside
I'm afraid to face it
afraid of what I might find
A maze of memories flood me
I remember it all
This is how I feel
And I feel it all
What I said to you
the hurt I caused
I'm so sorry
but my apology rings hollow
because it's too late
This is how I feel
And I feel it all
What you said to me
the hurt you caused
It's too late
the words now can only pour from my pen
words that clanged around in my head
now drop to paper
This is how I feel
And I feel it all
Words
there are thousands of them
scattered around
all the words that were said between us
from the beginning ~ when it was so damn good
loving words
to the end ~ when it was so damn bad
the hate, indifference, silence
Words that if said differently
or not at all
We would be different
We would still be
~maybe
But that's not possible
not anymore
This is just how I feel
And I feel it all
So we're left with memories
and pain
Pain that I feel so deeply
because you are not here
because I am not there
The hands of time cannot be moved backward
it is what it is
And no matter how I feel right at this moment
you are not here
and I am not there
I wish....
This is how I feel
And I feel it all

My Heart©

When I write here, I often wonder if there's anyone out there - is this truly worth doing - and most importantly, why do I do this? A blog is a lonely place. But I decided to put myself and my poetic thoughts out there. When I write, I'll sometimes go days without writing anything, and then there will be days when I write poem after poem. There are so many that I have yet to post here. Each time I think I'm done, I'm full again and must pour it out on paper.
Last week, as I was working on another piece, I realized that I was meant to do this. I thought initially, that this was only a form of cleansing for me, and it has been, but I realized that I am here to stand in the gap for someone else out there who needs this - needs to see my joy, pain, longing - all of it. And from that realization, this poem was created....

Listening carefully
to the rythm of my heart
it beats so powerfully
I press my hand to it as my pen flows
I embrace what I'm feeling
I move to press my hand to my head now to supress
the tears that lurk inside
force a smile and remember a better time
because I need to write
I am lonely
I feel it so deeply in my heart
My spirit ~ my soul wasn't designed for this
I am meant to love
to be loved
loving
loved on
But there's a reason for this, and every stage in my journey
And so I write
I write to quell the pain
I write to dream
I write to cleanse
to feel the void
to ease the pain I feel inside
to share the joy
I feel so free when I'm here
~pen in hand
~blank pages of paper ahead of me
My heart beats truer - stronger
the vibrations of my heart
my spirit
flow like the blue ink
that fill page upon page
What my heart feels
my pen reveals
I strip bare
stand naked
show everything
And each time I'm here
I ask myself why
Why was I blessed with this gift?
Why do I spill my heart in this way?
show all my insides?
raw, unfiltered
no chasers here
I am what I am and this is what it is
I ask why
And as I write, the spirit says
You write to stand in the gap
for someone else's pain
for someone else's joy
for someone else's longing
You are their lifeline
I am an open vessel
I hold no secrets inside
My heart is stripped bare
Listening carefully
to the rythm of my beating heart
I am here
open
Take what you need
there's more inside....

Bitterness©

Childhood memories. I'm always amazed at the little things we remember from long ago. I can remember very early in my life when my Mom used to say all men are no good. It was like a mantra for many years. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I always tried to tune it out. I've had many friends share a similar lament. But I've always maintained hope. Even during bad times, when I've encountered lying and cheating lovers, I've always managed to work to continue to keep my hope. And for one very good reason - I don't want to be that woman - the Bitter Woman. We've seen her. Seriously, maybe you've even been her. She has a chip on her shoulder and appears to be angry at the world. She's been hurt by a man or many men. And with each jaded experience, she adds yet another rock to her bag. And her bag is heavy. It casts a cloud over her entire being. It follows her in everything she does. She can't enjoy a new man or experience because she's convinced that this one will only end up like the last, and maybe even worse. She wouldn't - couldn't recognize a good man because she's been so harmed by others in her past. Her eyes, heart and sense of judgement are all lost. She finds no enjoyment in anything. Pain is her bestfriend. But there's a reason that she's bitter, and whether it's right or wrong, she's still someone who deserves love - needs and wants love. Truly she does. I don't want to ever be that woman.....

I don't want to be that woman
I've seen her many times
we've all seen her around
scowling across a crowded room
frowning at every man that passes by
angry at the world
She's Bitter
Over lost loves
frustrations
bad dates
Men who say they love her
but really don't
who don't show or call
aren't people of their word
lying
cheating
just being human with all their flaws
All they do is take
Her body, her love, money, her time
Things that seem so small ~ to him
But are actually treasures ~ to her
They didn't see
Or maybe, they just didn't care
It wears her down
Like water drifting across a rock
The rock intially stands tall, sure
But over time
It's worn thin by the water
Bit by tiny bit
Like the fragments of her heart
Each piece that they take
So, so small
But it's still a piece
She's bitter
Most people turn in the other direction
don't want to be taken in by all the pain and anger
But look closely
Look deep into her eyes
~ There
You can see the pain
The pain she chooses to hide
She shields it with
Anger
Bitterness
Hurt
Fear
When you see her
Don't ignore her
Step to her, and get to know her
There's a beautiful woman locked way down deep inside
Trapped
By all the pain
But your love can heal it all
It's possible
If you're willing to give it a try
But for me
I will always try to remain hopeful
Because I don't want to be that woman
Bitter
Just a ghost of love's pain
Caught up in love's past....

Looking Back©

Hindsight: n. ability to see, after the event, what should have been done: opposed to foresight: n. thoughtful regard or provision for the future......

I wish I could change things
but I can't rewrite history
If only I was granted a future glimpse in a relationship
Maybe then I could avoid being haunted by the what if's
Looking Back
What if
I had been less of who I thought I should be
who I thought you wanted - needed me to be
and more of who I actually was
What if
I just loved you more
and been less concerned about thinking about loving you
Looking Back
But I can't rewrite history
or turn back the pages of time
But I can learn the lesson
What if
I said - Baby I'm sorry ~ more
And insisted on proving you wrong ~ less
Looking Back
A future's glance was all I needed
to see how much love and loving you
mean
And how little the things
mean
I would do things so very differently
Looking back
But all I have is the here and now
I can only write new history
I have learned the lesson
And I know
Even in this bittersweet moment
The joy and pain of
Looking back.......

Why©

Sometimes, I am so perplexed by love and the loving of someone. It's puzzling to try and figure why something that feels so right can then so suddenly go wrong. There are no signs. Nothing to indicate things are wrong. It just suddenly just - ends....what do you do? You're left with one burning question...Why?

The questions still linger
long after you have departed
I need to understand
need to know
Why?
Why did we share funny stories
hang out and have fun
why did you kiss me so tenderly
hold my hand as if
~as if you loved me
Why?
Then, just as suddenly as you breezed in to my life
and made things so right
You were - gone....
No phone call or message
No good-bye
You were just - gone....
Why?
I'm still puzzled
left second guessing
left with the questions
~haunted
Why?
Was it something I said
Or did or didn't do
The questions still hang in the air
long after you have departed
I just can't seem to understand
all I'm left with are the questions
~haunted
Why?
You leave a path of emotional destruction
When you leave me in this way
I know it takes a lot of courage
to look someone square in the eyes
say it's over
then turn and walk away
But you leave a mark no matter
how much you don't want to face the facts
it's easier to run away from all the questions
it's easier to hide
Why?
All that's left now are the bittersweet memories
of the days of you and I
days I'll think about for awhile
close my eyes and share a smile
But just as good as those memories are for me
there are also the memories of what you failed to do
All you had to do was say it's over
put an end to me and you
All I have left are questions
unanswered questions
that I don't understand
~haunted
by what was and could have been
And all I can do is sigh and ask
Why?