How I Feel©

I write as often as I do, as part of my cleansing process. I don't know what my words may mean to you the reader, but for me, they are a way to cut away all the superficial and deal with the real. These words are me - good and bad. And with this outpouring - as part of cleansing, I feel it's important to me to apologize for my past. Maybe not directly to the person, but at least symbolically. It's not even about what they did, or what I did or even how bad it was. I just feel like if I can apologize, I can get rid of the hurt or anger or dispppointment, and move on. I always want to feel like I'm evolving. And when you are mired in self pity, anger and all that bullshit, you are missing the bigger picture: Your life has so much value. You are worth more than this moment that you are feeling. You love the hell out of him or her, and I get that. I do too. But guess what? They are gone, and you are here and there is more. If I haven't said it here already, there is a difference between love and your self respect. When those lines are crossed, you've got some changing - and maybe some leaving to do. You should be able to love someone AND respect yourself. And when you don't....just something to help you think. When you're in it, you don't think so well. This is just how I feel....

You feel me - feel the pain I hide?
It's buried way down deep inside
I'm afraid to face it
afraid of what I might find
A maze of memories flood me
I remember it all
This is how I feel
And I feel it all
What I said to you
the hurt I caused
I'm so sorry
but my apology rings hollow
because it's too late
This is how I feel
And I feel it all
What you said to me
the hurt you caused
It's too late
the words now can only pour from my pen
words that clanged around in my head
now drop to paper
This is how I feel
And I feel it all
Words
there are thousands of them
scattered around
all the words that were said between us
from the beginning ~ when it was so damn good
loving words
to the end ~ when it was so damn bad
the hate, indifference, silence
Words that if said differently
or not at all
We would be different
We would still be
~maybe
But that's not possible
not anymore
This is just how I feel
And I feel it all
So we're left with memories
and pain
Pain that I feel so deeply
because you are not here
because I am not there
The hands of time cannot be moved backward
it is what it is
And no matter how I feel right at this moment
you are not here
and I am not there
I wish....
This is how I feel
And I feel it all