Father's Day

My journey in love is not always poetic. Sometimes, it's serious introspection that involves no rythmn  or rhyme; just words. Simple and profound words...

Father’s Day
Father: Procreator, elder, leader, originator, creator, author; daddy, dad, papa, old man.

Father’s Day is always a bittersweet day for me. My mom died in 1999, and while my father is still present on this earth, ours has always been a volatile, exhausting relationship, because my father suffers from a mental illness. I used to be embarassed by it. Now, it's just part of my truth.

In complete honesty, I would always wish my mother a Happy Father’s Day each year when I was growing up, for she was both a mother and father to me. My childhood held glimpses of a father and his love from time to time – which I can fully say. And I know my father loved and still loves me. But I still lack the things that I truly need from him. Who my father is as a man; how he thinks, his examples of having healthy relationships with women, and the feeling of a complete love from him – that is what I’ve missed from my father. For me, that is the security you take with you into each relationship you have with men. Without it, you are lost. I watched a man who womanized most of his life. The women I would grow attached to, he left. He always seemed to be restless. He never seemed to be a man of his word. He promised so many things, and seldom, if ever, actually did any of the things he promised. And now, each hour, day, week and year that passes, I know that I will probably never really know him the way I desire.

This relationship – or lack thereof, has haunted every relationship I’ve had. Trying to…please, cling to, make better, excuse, forgive, apologize…to men that should have no place in my life, has been the life I have lived and relived over and over and over.

I finally realized that in order to change the way I was going about relationships – that in order for me to have healthy relationships – I had to do some serious cleansing and forgiving – of my father. I have been trapped as this little girl, suspended in time trying to do everything I could to please a troubled man. No matter how many A’s I received, no matter how many degrees I obtained…no matter how “good” I was, or how much I loved him – it all seemed to fall into this black hole. You can’t satisfy a soul that is not satisfied with its own self.

It was only recently, while I’ve been dealing with another break down of his, and another relationship of mine that ended badly that I got it. I cannot save him no matter how much I love him and I am not perfect and therefore, I cannot save every relationship I am involved in. At a time when my heart is broken, I am stressed about the uncertainty of my father and my life in general; I have learned a valuable lesson.

So, on the eve of this Father’s Day, I fully and completely forgive the man without whom I would not be here. My sense of humor, laugh and probably things I don’t even realize, all come from him. He loves me the best that he can, and the things that he hasn’t been able to provide, well at fifty, it’s time for me to figure it out myself.

And at the same time, I forgive myself. I thank God for these revelations, and I will now move forward differently. I have been praying and praying for God to reveal the key I needed, to understand myself, what’s wrong with me and how to have better relationships - and all along, that key was me. My energy, the confidence in knowing that I’m enough – all the time I’ve spent trying and trying – it’s all been wasted energy. I can’t save something or someone that is not worth saving, and I can no longer sacrifice me.

Happy Father’s Day dad; I love you, but I also love me.

V

Doubt

When you have doubt about one thing, it takes over your mind and crowds out everything else. Doubt eats away at your confidence. It acts like a tape playing over and over; a tiny, annoying voice reminding you endlessly of what you may be in capable of doing. Did you see the word may? See doubt is paralyzing. It causes fear when you haven't even experienced anything yet. And you probably won't because of doubt.
Here's a question - until it happens, why doubt? Doubt gives you permission to fail - to not try - to give up; quit. It provides you with a built in excuse. When you have doubt as you attempt something and it doesn't work out, doubt will be there to remind you why you should have "followed your mind" and - stayed home - not dated that guy - kept your money; not said anything...The truth is, your friend doubt kept you from really trying. So, you got exactly what your passion-less effort produced. Amazing how powerful our mind is!
And when you bring doubt into your relationship, it may as well be another man or woman, for it is surely a third person. Doubt is a monster. It will ooze and seep and destroy. You will only hear the negative chatter in your mind when talking. You will absorb things that may or may not really be there, and you will take those things into conversations with your friends who will rally to support you and bash your mate. After all, friends love and support you, and of course they want to protect you. And when that person leaves, doubt will be there to comfort and remind you why you should have listened to your mind and not your heart in the first place and not have gotten involved. You got what you expected.
Here's the thing; there's no magic pill to know what the future holds. And there's no guarantee that having faith in anything will allow it to work out. But doubt and fear are damaging. It's better to invest that energy in believing in yourself enough to go into things with open eyes. Have enough faith in your sense of judgment. Ask questions - and listen and believe the answers. Know your standard of excellence - what you will and will not tolerate. Respect yourself first. And be willing to walk away when you have enough information to know something is wrong.
From this day forward, have the courage to have just a little bit of faith in yourself....V