Father's Day

My journey in love is not always poetic. Sometimes, it's serious introspection that involves no rythmn  or rhyme; just words. Simple and profound words...

Father’s Day
Father: Procreator, elder, leader, originator, creator, author; daddy, dad, papa, old man.

Father’s Day is always a bittersweet day for me. My mom died in 1999, and while my father is still present on this earth, ours has always been a volatile, exhausting relationship, because my father suffers from a mental illness. I used to be embarassed by it. Now, it's just part of my truth.

In complete honesty, I would always wish my mother a Happy Father’s Day each year when I was growing up, for she was both a mother and father to me. My childhood held glimpses of a father and his love from time to time – which I can fully say. And I know my father loved and still loves me. But I still lack the things that I truly need from him. Who my father is as a man; how he thinks, his examples of having healthy relationships with women, and the feeling of a complete love from him – that is what I’ve missed from my father. For me, that is the security you take with you into each relationship you have with men. Without it, you are lost. I watched a man who womanized most of his life. The women I would grow attached to, he left. He always seemed to be restless. He never seemed to be a man of his word. He promised so many things, and seldom, if ever, actually did any of the things he promised. And now, each hour, day, week and year that passes, I know that I will probably never really know him the way I desire.

This relationship – or lack thereof, has haunted every relationship I’ve had. Trying to…please, cling to, make better, excuse, forgive, apologize…to men that should have no place in my life, has been the life I have lived and relived over and over and over.

I finally realized that in order to change the way I was going about relationships – that in order for me to have healthy relationships – I had to do some serious cleansing and forgiving – of my father. I have been trapped as this little girl, suspended in time trying to do everything I could to please a troubled man. No matter how many A’s I received, no matter how many degrees I obtained…no matter how “good” I was, or how much I loved him – it all seemed to fall into this black hole. You can’t satisfy a soul that is not satisfied with its own self.

It was only recently, while I’ve been dealing with another break down of his, and another relationship of mine that ended badly that I got it. I cannot save him no matter how much I love him and I am not perfect and therefore, I cannot save every relationship I am involved in. At a time when my heart is broken, I am stressed about the uncertainty of my father and my life in general; I have learned a valuable lesson.

So, on the eve of this Father’s Day, I fully and completely forgive the man without whom I would not be here. My sense of humor, laugh and probably things I don’t even realize, all come from him. He loves me the best that he can, and the things that he hasn’t been able to provide, well at fifty, it’s time for me to figure it out myself.

And at the same time, I forgive myself. I thank God for these revelations, and I will now move forward differently. I have been praying and praying for God to reveal the key I needed, to understand myself, what’s wrong with me and how to have better relationships - and all along, that key was me. My energy, the confidence in knowing that I’m enough – all the time I’ve spent trying and trying – it’s all been wasted energy. I can’t save something or someone that is not worth saving, and I can no longer sacrifice me.

Happy Father’s Day dad; I love you, but I also love me.

V