Your Online Profile

Online dating...the good, bad and oh so ugly.

Your Online Profile

Your smiling picture
Sentimental words
Fail to reveal the ugly truth of who you are
Or the sinister, crazy things that lurk beneath the surface
I really tried to be open when all of this began
And it was cool for a time
I relaxed
Exhaled
And then the craziness started to creep in
Like
Being asked out on dates
Sounds simple, innocent right?
6 men did this
Then they no showed
Didn't bother to call, cancel or reschedule
Just disappeared into the darkness of cyberspace
Never to be heard from again
Really?
Who does this?
Oh, but it gets better I'm sad to say
There were 3 - yes 3
Who called the very first time
And instead of asking me things like my full name
Where I live
What things I liked to do
Did they ask anything of value?
Nope
Upon hearing my sultry voice
They decided to get excited and touch themselves
I called them jack off 1 and 2
Remember there were 3
The first two got over because I was so shocked
The last one?
I hung up right in the middle of his happiness
Yes, these stories are true
Craziness you don't see
When you look at an online profile
Things hidden behind that mega-watt smile
There were dates I went on
Like the one who was short
It was good - the kiss awkward - but I would have gone out again
If he had only called
Maybe I was too tall
Or not funny enough
I'll never know
Another one who smokes - illegal and legal
I kept imagining being arrested in a drug bust
Dramatic I know
He said I was beautiful and the best date ever
I didn't see him again
There was one who failed to mention until the date
He was married
With lots of kids
One who forgot about the woman he lived with
Until she called me
Or the one who cooked a wonderful meal
I went to wash my hands
He had the filthiest bathroom ever
I felt obligated to eat the meal
It was actually wonderful
I ran and never returned there
Craziness you just don't get to see
Online profiles simply don't give you the truth
So I did my best, to learn things from each experience
Adding more and more to my endless list of questions
And still it didn't seem to help
I did my very best to try and remain patient
Until one day I reached my last straw
With a man I just 2 days before exchanged information with
Who decided to torment me by calling 6 times in 2 hours
The last time in the middle of my wonderfully hot shower
That I explained carefully I was doing just 15 minutes before
Really?
And with that final bit of madness
Something in me snapped
And while still butt naked
Still wet from that wonderfully hot shower
I dried my fingers
Marched to my laptop
And took back my power
I went to that online profile
Looked around one last time
And deleted that shit
And then for good measure
I went to my phone, deleted crazy man's number
And blocked our marathon relationship
Thank goodness for this program on my Blackberry
Any future texts
You'll be treated like spam
And any phone calls you attempt
Will roll straight to voice mail
And when and if you leave a message
I'm done boo, I won't listen
I'm through with you
I'm going back to the good old days
Meet me on a train, in the gym, on a produce aisle
I know he still might be crazy
But for now if you want to date me
Find me out there