Bitterness©

Childhood memories. I'm always amazed at the little things we remember from long ago. I can remember very early in my life when my Mom used to say all men are no good. It was like a mantra for many years. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I always tried to tune it out. I've had many friends share a similar lament. But I've always maintained hope. Even during bad times, when I've encountered lying and cheating lovers, I've always managed to work to continue to keep my hope. And for one very good reason - I don't want to be that woman - the Bitter Woman. We've seen her. Seriously, maybe you've even been her. She has a chip on her shoulder and appears to be angry at the world. She's been hurt by a man or many men. And with each jaded experience, she adds yet another rock to her bag. And her bag is heavy. It casts a cloud over her entire being. It follows her in everything she does. She can't enjoy a new man or experience because she's convinced that this one will only end up like the last, and maybe even worse. She wouldn't - couldn't recognize a good man because she's been so harmed by others in her past. Her eyes, heart and sense of judgement are all lost. She finds no enjoyment in anything. Pain is her bestfriend. But there's a reason that she's bitter, and whether it's right or wrong, she's still someone who deserves love - needs and wants love. Truly she does. I don't want to ever be that woman.....

I don't want to be that woman
I've seen her many times
we've all seen her around
scowling across a crowded room
frowning at every man that passes by
angry at the world
She's Bitter
Over lost loves
frustrations
bad dates
Men who say they love her
but really don't
who don't show or call
aren't people of their word
lying
cheating
just being human with all their flaws
All they do is take
Her body, her love, money, her time
Things that seem so small ~ to him
But are actually treasures ~ to her
They didn't see
Or maybe, they just didn't care
It wears her down
Like water drifting across a rock
The rock intially stands tall, sure
But over time
It's worn thin by the water
Bit by tiny bit
Like the fragments of her heart
Each piece that they take
So, so small
But it's still a piece
She's bitter
Most people turn in the other direction
don't want to be taken in by all the pain and anger
But look closely
Look deep into her eyes
~ There
You can see the pain
The pain she chooses to hide
She shields it with
Anger
Bitterness
Hurt
Fear
When you see her
Don't ignore her
Step to her, and get to know her
There's a beautiful woman locked way down deep inside
Trapped
By all the pain
But your love can heal it all
It's possible
If you're willing to give it a try
But for me
I will always try to remain hopeful
Because I don't want to be that woman
Bitter
Just a ghost of love's pain
Caught up in love's past....

Looking Back©

Hindsight: n. ability to see, after the event, what should have been done: opposed to foresight: n. thoughtful regard or provision for the future......

I wish I could change things
but I can't rewrite history
If only I was granted a future glimpse in a relationship
Maybe then I could avoid being haunted by the what if's
Looking Back
What if
I had been less of who I thought I should be
who I thought you wanted - needed me to be
and more of who I actually was
What if
I just loved you more
and been less concerned about thinking about loving you
Looking Back
But I can't rewrite history
or turn back the pages of time
But I can learn the lesson
What if
I said - Baby I'm sorry ~ more
And insisted on proving you wrong ~ less
Looking Back
A future's glance was all I needed
to see how much love and loving you
mean
And how little the things
mean
I would do things so very differently
Looking back
But all I have is the here and now
I can only write new history
I have learned the lesson
And I know
Even in this bittersweet moment
The joy and pain of
Looking back.......

Why©

Sometimes, I am so perplexed by love and the loving of someone. It's puzzling to try and figure why something that feels so right can then so suddenly go wrong. There are no signs. Nothing to indicate things are wrong. It just suddenly just - ends....what do you do? You're left with one burning question...Why?

The questions still linger
long after you have departed
I need to understand
need to know
Why?
Why did we share funny stories
hang out and have fun
why did you kiss me so tenderly
hold my hand as if
~as if you loved me
Why?
Then, just as suddenly as you breezed in to my life
and made things so right
You were - gone....
No phone call or message
No good-bye
You were just - gone....
Why?
I'm still puzzled
left second guessing
left with the questions
~haunted
Why?
Was it something I said
Or did or didn't do
The questions still hang in the air
long after you have departed
I just can't seem to understand
all I'm left with are the questions
~haunted
Why?
You leave a path of emotional destruction
When you leave me in this way
I know it takes a lot of courage
to look someone square in the eyes
say it's over
then turn and walk away
But you leave a mark no matter
how much you don't want to face the facts
it's easier to run away from all the questions
it's easier to hide
Why?
All that's left now are the bittersweet memories
of the days of you and I
days I'll think about for awhile
close my eyes and share a smile
But just as good as those memories are for me
there are also the memories of what you failed to do
All you had to do was say it's over
put an end to me and you
All I have left are questions
unanswered questions
that I don't understand
~haunted
by what was and could have been
And all I can do is sigh and ask
Why?

It's the Fear©

Usually, my writings stem from a word or words, and/or an emotion. Whatever the thought process is that triggers the writing, I simply allow my fingers to be used as a vessel for the thoughts to flow. The word fear has been resonating with me for a few days now. and I finally decided sit down and see where my written path takes me. I think this poem needs very little introduction other than to say what fear are you holding on to and hiding behind in your life?

It's the fear
the fear of being alone
the fear of never finding "the one"
that keeps us paralyzed in place
keeps us in places we should not be
~hiding
living a life far less powerful
living in darkness
living a lie
It's the fear
that keeps the clock ticking
while we watch our lives disappear
living in saddness
while we smile and hide the tears
the lie festers and bubbles
we wear the mask everyday
~hiding
living in darkness
living a lie
It's the fear
who are you protecting?
yourself?
your image?
what good is the lie?
the longer you suffer in silence
the deeper your love starts to slide
you are hiding
living in darkness
living a lie
It's the fear
take a chance and peel back the mask
step forward out of the darkness
be willing to shed the lie
Stop the fear!
even if it means living alone
aren't you living that way anyway?
~honestly
look honestly in the mirror
the truth is etched on your face
locked deeply in your heart
Stop the fear!
it's so warm out here
it feels good to reside in truth
there are others!
living the way you can only dream about
it you continue the lie
you'll never get the chance to shout it out
~I'm not afraid!
~I have no fear!
~I love myself!
It's the fear
Stop the fear
It isn't real
Face the fear........

Hold Me Tight©

The strength of a hug is amazing. When you are wrapped in someone's arms that you love, you feel so protected, as if nothing can go wrong. That's the one thing I miss about my Mom - I absolutely loved her hugs. There is nothing like the power of human touching human......

Hold me tight
never let me go
I want to feel your arms around me forever
encircle me with your love
protect me from all
~ seen and unseen
Hold me tight
My soul aches for you
my body yearns for you
Press your lips to mine
breathe me
feel my very essence
Hold me tight
Never, ever let me go
caress me softly
whisper sweet nothings in my ear
whisper promises of forever in my ear
Baby, please
Hold me tight
Squeeze out all the doubts
the fears
Let me rest on your chest
ease my loneliness
sync my heart with yours
Hold me tight
Never, ever let me go
Keep your arms around me
forever
forever
forever
Oh how I love you so

Two Steps Forward©

The mysteries of love. The ups and downs of love. It dazzles and frazzles me. And just when I think I have it all figured out in my mind, in my heart - something new comes along to knock me off my feet or kick me in the stomach.
Have you ever done something so silly, so crazy while going through the phases of healing from a break-up that you too ashamed to tell even your bestfriend? Driven by his house to see if he's home - and alone, replayed an old message that she left when things were good. When she would tell you how much she loved you. Reading old letters or cards, staring and crying at pictures. Sleeping in a t-shirt he left behind because it still smells like him. Dialing the first part of her number and then hanging up.
The things we do in the name of love...the end of love....

Two Steps Forward

I did it again, took
Two Steps Forward
and one back
He's like a drug to me
and I can't control myself
looking at old pictures
listening to old messages
Two Steps Forward
and one back
Finding a reason to call
enjoying things we used to do together
dreaming about him
her
Two Steps Forward
and one back
Sitting at home, staring at the walls
for hours and hours
thinking about an ex
an ex!
staring at the phone, willing it to ring
Two Steps Forward
and one back
I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster
up one day with joy, happy he's gone
down yet another day, hoping he returns
like an addict, the withdrawal pains are intense
Two Steps Forward
and one back
There should be a group for this
or a great blue pill to take for this
just some kind of way - any way to cure me of this
a way to allow the memories to fade enough
But
I know that the
Two Steps Forward
bring me closer to the end
And the
one step back
allow me to learn the lesson
And
one day
without pills
group therapy
phone calls
or roller coasters
Time
will heal all things
will heal me
And I'll simply look forward
and I will not look back

Petals©

"Petals" is a short poem that I wrote early on. I was wallowing one weekend in bitterness, pain and a sprinkling of self-pity all mixed together, when I decided to focus on creating words to describe my tears, rather than continue to cry. My tears at that paticular time were falling softly, and as I was thinking of words, flower petals came to mind. I was thinking of a dying flower, and how the petals begin to fall as it's life is ending. It just seemed like the perfect word....

Petals
That's what my tears are like
softly
falling all around me
Petals
That blow in the wind
softly
gently
Petals
Tears nourished by
pain
loss
Tears that gently wash my
cleanse me
drench my body
Petals
I am awash in their
fragrance
taste
But
One Day
A new love will bloom for me
And I'll be a new flower
With fresh petals
That will remain in full bloom
~With the promise of water to keep me alive in love
~With the promise of soil to retain me in love
~With roots to keep me grounded in love
My petals will never fade
never fall
never feel like
Tears....