My Choices ©

This is one of those times when I feel like I've written something that needs no introduction. I just want you to absorb it and let me know what you think instead....

Sitting here
thinking back over my life
knowing only where I've been
and the good and bad of my choices
My Choices
Man, if only I could take some of them back
~or somehow press rewind
If only I took a different path so that I could still be in some spaces
~with him
The simple impact of everyday decisions
like, the blue dress or slacks
kiss him or not
say yes or no
All seem so harmless at the time
but those moments
like my memories
~still linger
And the impact of my choices
~still linger
echo
in the far reaches of my mind
The video of my past
flows
Each flash I see is
bittersweet
hurtful
good
I press my eyes shut
in hopes of stopping the replay
But the video continues
Is this what the end of life looks like?
Are you given a chair, and a large screen to watch your life?
I feel the magnitude of my choices
feel everything and every decision
I feel
when I've hurt someone
the countless guys that I've smiled at and given my number
and then ignored, was rude to, or gave a wrong number
or the ones that I ignored when I walked by
when just a simple hello was all that they needed
the ones I broke up with or refused to talk to or go out with
the ones I judged - incorrectly as not being worthy of my time
I feel their pain, the hurt I caused
The good and bad of my choices
My choices
The video continues
my life continues to flash
I feel my own personal pain
the pain of secrets I held inside from my youth
my innocence taken by a trusted adult
the shame of that moment forever seared in my memory
I feel the rejection of past loves
of being ignored, left behind for something or someone else
All of this speeds by me
flashes of pain and joy
All my life lessons
My Choices
All this roars past me across the screen
the end finally, comes... quietly
I sit and stare at the screen
and now tears of relief begin to flow
Because I realize this is not the end
I still have pages to fill and more characters to meet
I still have room to grow
But now, having seen this video comes a vibrant realization
my eyes have been opened
I still have choices!
I know I have to do better ~ be better
watch my choices
because it's not just about me
I may be the main character here, but I'm not alone
I recognize the impact of my daily decisions
I'll be kinder
More honest
thoughtful
~to myself, and others
I'll enjoy the moments and people given me ~ good and bad
I've been given a fresh start
~a clean slate
And it's up to me
to be whole, complete
It's up to me
to forgive myself and the past
It's up to me
to be first what I seek in others with me
I must demand better of myself and others
because I am worthy
I am worthy
My life begins and ends with me
I'm grateful for this self reflection
I know where I've been
but I also know I have a choice in where I'm going
I am thankful for having my eyes opened
My vision has been restored
I am restored in me
I am restored in love
I see.....

I Can't Wait©

I never know where my writing will take me along Love's Journey. Lately, I've been writing wedding vows, which is mind blowing to me because I'm not in a relationship at this moment. But as a living vessel, I receive - and write whatever comes to me. I've written several pieces that speak to the notion of being excited about love. There are so many ways to define love, but I love the thought of it being so exciting and heart pounding. I could say so many more things here, but I'm going to shut up and let the piece speak instead....

I can't wait
to fall asleep with you at my side
to wake up
feel the sunrise and you
I promise to be a help mate
neither behind you or too far ahead
I promise not to allow things to fester and boil over in my heart
I'll instead search my heart for a calm state, and work with you to address issues
I promise to establish loving rituals with you
to look at each day despite the pain and anger that can and will arise,
as a day to find at least one thing to thank you for
I promise to work with you even as I continue to grow
as you continue to grow
As I stand here before you
I can't wait
to end my "I"
and add myself to a team
A team of a network of wonderful family and friends
and most of all our heavenly father
the primary team leader
Let us remember this moment
~this day
Because when the storms come
and surely they will
We'll be able to sustain
We'll remember this day, and whisper I love you ~ still
Let all who sit with us here
circle their love around us
to provide a protective shield
Let our heavenly father guide us always
Yes, here we are
hand in hand
I know as I look in your eyes
I so truly, deeply love you
I can't wait
to fall asleep tonight
in your loving arms
as your one and only
your beautiful wife

The End©

As I go along on this love journey, I realize that the ups and downs will always be there, no matter what happens. There are always lessons to be learned, memories to get rid of, memories to hold on to, and the list goes on and on. When I first started writing, I thought I would just be dealing with one aspect of love; Pain and it's aftermath. But I realize in writing that love is not definitive - starting here and ending or continuing there. It forms a circle that has no beginning or end. The feelings you may have for a person who has left your life, linger. They leave a fingerprint that is never erased. You move on, but it's still there.

In this circle called love, you are in different phases, different aspects of the circle, but it's still a circle. So as I was writing this poem, even as I got to the end and said the end, I recognize that this was just an ending to one cycle; one chapter. There are plenty of other adventures awaiting me. And the circle continues, just as I do.....




When does it end?
The feeling of loving you
missing you?
It's like an addiction or lingering illness
just when I think I'm done with
~the missing of you
~and the loving of you
A memory starts the cycle for me all over again
~a song
~your cologne
~a flash of memory
I notice that the feeling of needing you
the desire to want you back in my life
starts to dim a bit more
each time I revisit this space
But the other things - feelings and emotions
still press my mind and heart
As I sit and pour out my heart and pain
across pages and pages
crying and writing for what seems like forever
I wonder what do you do to cope
or is it just simply over for you?
Is it harder or easier for men?
I can only see and feel this pain through my lens
Is this feeling universal?
The majority of me knows this break-up was for the best
for both of us
There was way too much pain and drama
that crossed between you and I
pain that eclipsed whatever joy there was
it drained what little air there was between us
left us dry and wanting
I never want to revisit that
I never want to take that path - with you or anyone ever again
But like an addiction
The minority of me
~craves the good times we managed to have
~craves you
somehow, those memories are what I go to first
Which is pure craziness
So here I go again
pen pressed firmly in my hand
writing
which is far better than the phone
~calling you - just to say hi
~texting you - just to check on you
No, these are the lonelies
the things you do to ease the cravings and insanity
just to get by
I choose to cure my disease, fight the addiction
by writing it out
Yes, I have called you - emailed and sent texts
Yes, I have taken your calls and emails and texts
But I'm noticing the craving to do so is starting to dim
as I do the things to help me cure
acknowledge the pain
affirm my love for me
unpack the burden of whatever is holding me captive
and most of all, get back out there again eventually
When does it end?
I suppose I'll always love you
But missing you?
that must truly end
The way you and I did
I'm bound and determined
the end is near
and my minority will not win
to this craving I will not continue to give in
My strength lies in getting beyond this
this is the end......

Energy©

Being in love sometimes feesl so...powerless, like you've walked to the edge of a cliff and were pushed off. As I was writing this piece, I was thinking of being in love with someone, and the energy and great vibe you feel from that person. As adults, we question this energy - is it real, will it last - because we bring our past experiences in to this situation and ask far too many questions. But when you are younger, you just go for it, because you allow yourself to simply be in the moment. I want to think less and feel more in my relationships.....


I love the energy of you
It makes me dizzy with anticipation
my pulse quickens
throat dries
palms become sweaty
Is this just the giddy stage
or will you always make me feel this way?
Each time I see you
the feelings become richer
I feel the calm essence of you
but over the top of it
I feel you

And all the energy you have locked inside
waiting, wanting
for just the right woman
am I the one?
I want to be
but I dare not ask
it's easier just to absorb waht vibrates from you
and that alone is powerful enough
it beckons me to be greater
stretch further
aim higher
dream bigger
I just have to learn the rythm of you
to harvest the energy of you
so that it manifests in time with me
Each time I connect with you
I'm drawn further in
as if a spell has been cast
The power of what I'm feeling scares me
It's like I'm falling off a cliff
and trusting that there is a safety net - you
there to catch me
will you be there?
Perhaps I'm just thinking this too far through
trying to sort things and figure out the me and you
I am sitting on the fence of emotions
on one side there's my future
which I cannot see
and I don't know if you exist in it with me
on the other side is my past
where I compare you with my other life experiences
But I know I have to come down from the fence
because here you are
in my present
I need to learn how to stand in the moment
this moment
with you
Not looking backwards, where there exists my troubled past
Not peeking forward, where I'm trying to predict my past
All I can do is enjoy the energy of you
the spirit of you
All I can do is let go, and be
No matter how long or short
and allow the butterflies, sweaty palms and racing heart
for you
are my right now
And I love the energy of you....

By Faith©

This writing was triggered by a girlfriend and I talking about our lives, and how differently we imagined them to be as compared to what they had become. Sometimes I feel my life's path is so far off the beaten trail that I don't recognize where I was before now. Life is strange right? And if someone had told me 5, 10 or 20 years ago that my life would be what it is now, I would not have believed them. My temper was so hot 20 years ago I probably would have taken a punch at them! lol But while the journey looks different, I relish who and where I am at this moment......

Wow
I look at my life
This isn't the way I saw my life
I saw it so very differently
I had many other plans
But God saw differently too
and he changed my life's course
So now I'm stepping out
Moving along on an unfamiliar path
Reaching out as far as I can see
and allowing my faith to take me the rest of the way
The first step was so hard
but God granted me courage to continue forward
And no matter how much
I doubt
or question
or fear creeps in
Even when things don't feel right
By faith
God helps me to keep moving forward
By faith
God helps make a way for me even in troubled times
By faith
Although my life is different
I'm still here!
Still happy!
Still complete!
By faith
I'll trust that this life is better
For I am better
By faith
I'll keep going along on this journey
because I humbly, prayerfully know who guides me
and his belief in me never falters
By faith
My life is in his hands.....

My Victory©

The process of getting over someone can be long and grueling. Just when you think you're okay, something will trigger a thought and awash you in the emotions again...the smell of his cologne, her favorite movie or song. When you are down in that valley, it seems like you are never going to come up and out. But I'm here to share with you that you will. That's what this poem is about. The recovery process.....


On the other side
is my victory
The victory of getting over you
You were my center; my joy
My world was completely all about you
You had my nose wide open
heart even wider
I gave you everything
stripped myself bare so that you could see ME
~ the good and the bad
I thought this was it
that you were the one
I was in paradise
But that was shattered in just one day
one moment
When you wrote a fateful letter
chose to end things with written word
It wasn't a huge shock that it happened really
we had drama between us for awhile
It was a shock that you made that choice
the choice to end things so abruptly
with no dialogue or debate
It shattered my being
I wasn't prepared for this
a life without you
a life without us
So I grieved
mourned
felt the loss so deeply
I walked through the valley of darkness
alone, but with friends
hurt, but with hope
I felt like Moses
walking through the dry, lifeless land of pain
Lost with only a single compass
A blue or black pen
or sometimes my keyboard
Writing was my guiding light
which shown over the horizon
So very tiny at first
Now I stand
My Victory
on the other side
~glorious
~joyous
~victorious
My pen, saved me
Love from friends, saved me
Affirming my life, saved me
Spending time with me, saved me
Crying out loud or silently, saved me
Getting angry then letting it go, saved me
Asking for and giving forgiveness in letters, saved me
Allowing myself to embrace the fear of being alone, saved me
and now
I'm on the other side!
My Victory
the wonderful land of victory
And I know
Love is on this side
~it's on this side
~it's on the inside - of me
Like Dorothy, this victory was always there
But it took the journey to get me here
My yellow brick road, had no scarecrow, tin man or lion - it was just me
But it took my heart, brains and courage to get me to where I needed to be
I am victorious!
And so are you
Take my hand, it's time for you to come to the other side too
Your Victory
Love is on this side!
~it's on this side
~it's on the inside - of me AND you.....

Late at Night©

I do my best thinking - and writing in the middle of the night. I was feeling restless one night, and all of a sudden, I was overwhelmed with saddness, and tears started to flow. The words "Late at Night" kept resonating with me, and I felt compelled to get up and write. For whatever reason, I am in the space of feeling lonely right now, and my writings are reflecting that. I know that it's a process, and I'm just going to feel it and work my way through. Enjoy....

Late at night
that's when I feel you most
Here I am, missing someone I don't even know
But I know you are out there
missing me too
I am surprised by the tears
that slide down my face
and softly fall to my pillow
Tears of pain, sorrow
Tears of joy, hope
Sorrow that you are not by my side
right now
Hope that you will be here
soon
I rise from my bed to record these thoughts
I write with one hand
wipe my tears with the other
Late at Night
This is when I feel you most
the unknown you
my love
I cannot see your face
but I know your smile
I have not felt your touch
but I know your passion
I have not seen you
but I feel you
Late at Night
Will you always be
my sweetest dream?
my fantasy?
Will I ever get to feel
your arms
your kiss
You?
I long to know
But for now
I place these words upon this page
and lay back down to silently pray
And as I close my eyes against the darkness of my room
wrapping myself in my loneliness
I hold my pillow tight
and I think
I wish
I long for
You......