A Rose by VLR

I watch you pass me by, we cross paths several times, up and down each aisle. You glance my way when you think I'm not looking, but you never say...hi...you never ask me my name. You just pass me by. Pass me by....

A beautiful garden, with flowers as far as the eye can see
A garden nurtured by gentle rains, warm sunshine and fresh air
A beautiful garden
That's where you'll find me
A single rose
Fragrant, delicate
Standing alone in a beautiful sea of flowers
There's nothing that makes me extraordinary
Nothing to mark me from the crowd - no fleck of unusual color
A single rose
Yet, when I am separated from the crowd - from that beautiful garden
When I'm surrounded only by my singlular beauty
My fragrance sings out loud
I can only be seen, by those willing to stop and take notice of me
For those willing to stop and pick me out of the crowd
Those willing, to stop and stay awhile
Otherwise, you'll never "see" me
You'll never know the full potential of me
You'll never know my beauty
Never will you fully appreciate me
You'll never know
If you pass me by
If you look at all the flowers
All you'll see are flowers
You'll never know what makes my scent special
You'll never know what makes me smile
Or cry
Or happy
You'll never know what makes me special
No, you'll admire the beauty of the garden, but you'll also pass me by
A single rose
Fragrant, delicate, beautiful
In a sea of other flowers
Standing alone

Love's Game

I've been gone for awhile. So many things have happened. Recently, I made a major decision and relocated to the east coast. I've been a Cali girl all my life, and wanted a change. I'm sure that this will expand my writings in ways that I could never imagine.

And with all this change, I had considered taking my blog down. It's not that I don't have anything to say, but more like, what do I want to say? Just as my life is headed in a new direction, pehaps it's simply time for a new direction here as well. I'll give it more thought, and perhaps make a formal format announcement for the New Year. Or maybe I'll simply continue in this same vein.....to be continued....

In the meantime, let's continue in the way I normally do things....

I Miss you
Miss the connection I feel for you
Miss our long talks late into the night
Miss the shared laughter
I feel you slowly slipping away
And there's nothing I can do or say
To change the vibe that's here
Because you don't belong to me
I am just your friend
That's the divide between us
Even though there's more between us
Unspoken, yet it clings to air
Love's Game
I have to watch as you grow closer to another
A thousand times inside I die
Because the you and I that I desire can never be
Because I can never be all that I feel for you
In your eyes, you don't see me
You don't see my love
You are not in love with me
Love's Game
You're not in love with me
And so I sit here
And try to act the same
I try
But it's not the same for me
Things for me shifted
I am in love with you
And you only love me
I'm your friend
Just
Your friend
Love's Game
So I lay here
Alone
Clinging to a pillow
Wishing it were you
While you are with someone else
This is my reality
The sum of all my realities
So I squeeze my pillow tight
And I let you go
This is not a fairy tale
I let you go
You are not prince charming
You are not going to come and rescue me
You are not going to walk on my job and sweep me off my feet
You are not going to ride up in a limo and take me away
You are not in love with me
This game is over
And sometimes in love's game, nice girls simply don't win

My Pen

So here I've been ~ in love; madly, deeply...I embraced it fully with trust and without thought. I did my homework, listening and asking all the right questions. I pulled open the blinds, the doors and windows to my life, and let him in.

And time passed, and it was good. And more time passed, and it was bad. Time passed, and here I was ~ in love...

And just as it appeared, it was gone. And I am left here, sitting with my pen in hand. My pen. The place I can go to without fear. The place I can shed the tears I feel falling like a torrential downpour in my heart. The place I can be real, instead of out there, looking and smelling good; smiling brightly; having a brave face. But the whole time inside, I cry.

My pen and paper are my refuge. The place where I can let it all out, without fear of opinion. And it is with this pen, I release, in order to survive. If I don't write it out, the pain I feel will suffocate me. I use this time to get honest and shed the hurt and pain. I get honest in order to reach outside of myself ~  to help myself. I reach out to help you.

Thank God for my pen.....


From my pen I pour out my feelings

All that I feel inside
Deep and far away from prying eyes
Unscripted, unfiltered. Raw. Real
From my pen I cry, sigh; say good-bye
From my pen I find the strength to continue moving forward
From my pen I find my courage
My pen reveals all that I sometimes refuse to see
My pen pulls back the facade; rips the curtains; shines a light
My pen reveals the truth
My pen reveals me
A thousand tears I've cried over and for you
A thousand times I've said I love you
A thousand times I've forgiven you
A thousand times
A thousand times
My pen flows
My pen shows
A thousand times will be no more
A thousand times
A thousand times
No more
From my pen I release you

Fit

A friend of mine wrote me a thought today, about not letting love slip through my fingers. This in turn created the thought for me...what if you are so busy trying to work a love that simply isn't meant to be and you shouldn't, because it's not meant to be? It seems we expend so much energy involved in things we have no business in; jobs, family drama, money mistakes and relationships.  Yikes! What a waste.  Love is work yes, but you should not spend days and nights with thoughts of "Why am I doing this" floating around in your head.

It's time to stop the madness. Get off the roller coaster and find something else to do with your time. And allow that person to find their intended fit. Will that hurt? Absolutely. But take the band-aid off, and get ready for thine healing!


Sometimes we cling to something that is not meant to be
Working tirelessly, we try to squeeze what isn’t into the space of what is
And it doesn’t fit
No matter how much you want it
No matter how good it may feel initially
It doesn’t fit
Like a pretty shoe that starts out feeling great
You know they’re a little tight
Wait? Was that an inner alarm?
You’ll stretch them out ~ that’s what the voice of unreason says
So you get them anyway
Yet, you know it’s not right
But you get them anyway
And then, that first night out
You are there looking so proud
Strutting like you own the place
There’s joy all around
But then reality kicks in
And those pretty shoes start to hurt
Pinching toes, sending pain everywhere
Yet there you are, too proud to remove them
Cause they’re so damn pretty
But they don't fit
You can’t even think because the pain is everywhere
Oh but you look so good in those shoes
But they don’t fit
And now, here’s your love
Everything starts out great
Wait ~ was that an inner alarm?
Something saying it’s not right?
You’ll work it out ~ that’s what the voice of unreason says
So you date her anyway
You like him anyway
You guys look so great together
Everyone tells you so
Just like those shoes
It takes a minute for reality to set in...
There you are, working and working at it
Trying to make a great fit
Trying to make sense of things that simply ~ don’t make sense
Because they are not meant to make sense
Because in reality, you two don’t fit
It’s not your size
He’s not your man
She’s not your girl
It doesn’t fit
Love should feel
Secure
Amazing
Trusting
Wonderful
COMFORTABLE
But there you are with struggle
With ~ arguing over things so small
With ~ more questions than answers
With ~ frustrations and drama
With ~ yourself
Like those tight pair of shoes
You are left standing around miserable and in pain
What to do?
What to say?
Nothing
It’s simply time to take off the shoes
Time to take off the man ~ the woman
Release yourself from the pain and misery
Just because this wasn’t a good fit
Just because those pretty shoes don’t fit
Doesn’t mean that you won’t find better
Doesn’t mean that you are a failure
It just means it wasn’t a good fit
No need to beat yourself up
You don’t do that about the shoes
So why do that about a relationship?
No really ~ why?
Learn the lesson and move on
There will be other shoes
There will be other relationships
As bad as it feels now, this too shall pass
Just like those pretty shoes….

Understanding

I was listening to a friend today, and she was lamenting about dating. Our conversation ended with a similar debate we would always have, and that is  it whether or not dating gets harder as we age, or is it just hard in general?  As I left her, I thought about how many times she and I had laughed and cried about our dating adventures.  As I pondered those thoughts, it brought me to a place of writing, and as I thought more and more, I reasoned that around many a water cooler, no matter age, sexual preference or gender - there is a similar conversation going on; Why is it so hard to wade through the pool of fish in order to simply find the one?

As a black woman, I can only reflect things as I see them through my own lens of experience. And while I will agree that this is a difficult struggle, I try not to allow the opinions of others, or the things I read or hear on television pollute and wage war on what I feel. I choose to believe that there is love out there for both me and you! And no matter how bloody the battle is in those rough waters, I also choose to get right back out there after each battle, because I feel that each one brings me closer to being with "him".

I refuse to believe the stats that say that the dating pool is bleaker for black women, just as I refuse to adhere to the constant barrage of negative stereotypes about being a black woman. I am an intelligent, hardworking, hopeful, poised, pleasant, no where near angry, strong, fearless, faith believing... beautiful black woman. I don't apologize or shrink from who I am, yet sometimes I feel like there's something flawed in being who I am. If I believe all that I read and hear, it's somehow my fault for all that is lacking in love because I am a black woman. The plight of black love is laid at the feet of black women. Hmmmm...I find that interesting because isn't love a two way street? I feel less that it's a black thing, and more of a universal problem. I have friends of all ages and hues, and we all share similar stories. We all struggle. That would make this more a universal problem wouldn't it? The description of me applies to any woman. I didn't have to add that I'm black. That's a given when you see me. The color of my skin doesn't reveal what my heart feels. The heartbeat of love is a universal language. It has to be in order to allow people of different races to come together. Love is color blind. My struggles with dating and such are universal. There isn't anything that I feel, nothing in the tears that I shed that are not felt by other men and women. I know I am not alone. And I know this has less to do with the fact that I am a black woman.   

So what does it all boil down to? As I listened to my friend today, what resonated with me was one simple word; Understanding. When I observe and talk to couples, the thing that hits home for me is their understanding of one another. Perhaps a better choice of word is tolerance. What are you willing to tolerate or understand from another person?

I am willing to be who I am...I am willing to cross the span of time, distance and whatever other great divide that is out there between myself and the love of a man...I am willing to bring my patience and understanding to the table. And for that, all I ask is that he be willing to do the same. The hard part of all of this is remaining hopeful throughout. It is difficult at times, and even discouraging. Yet, I know that nothing worth having is obtained without effort. In the meantime, my job is to allow my life to be full and complete as is - while keeping myself open to possibilities. That's a fine line to follow...appearing comfortable being with just me, and being open to someone. But it's possible.


Here I sit
Listening to a friend lament
And cry about a guy
And what he isn't
He isn't a man of his word
He isn't a man committed to her
He just - isn't that guy
He just isn't - it
But I can't say that
I have to listen
And allow her to say it
Allow her to realize it
Because the choice is hers and not mine
I see the truth
But that's in my eyes
She has to see this for herself
She has to see it
People tell us who they are
Tell the truth about what, who and when
But we do something different with the data
We filter it and fill in the blanks with other stuff
We hold on and on and on
We take his or her shit
But it's just that
Shit
And sometimes, it's not for us to hold
Sometimes he just isn't - it
There's nothing to be angry about
We all have it
We all have some shit
It's just a matter of understanding
How much of you is relevant
And how much of you isn't
And oh the same goes for me
How much of what I bring to you
How much are you willing to deal with
How much can be filtered out
How much is irrelevant
So we continue to circle the waters
Seeking out just the right one
Filtering out all the others
Seeking just the right one
Sometimes the waters are murky
Sometimes the waters are rough
Sometimes the waters are calm
There are all kinds of fish out there
All kinds of fish to see
You just have to find one
The one that is relevant
The one that can deal with your shit
The one that is - an is
Not the one that is -  an isn't
In the meantime
Swim
Enjoy the waters
Be a beautiful fish
Find your own relevance

Blinded

With clear eyes I see things as they truly are, not as my love wanted them to be...What is your heart blinding you from? Sometimes, we have to step in and save ourselves, from ourselves. Some of the most courageous things you will do will be the most painful. It's choice, and choice isn't always warm and fuzzy. And sometimes, no matter how badly you want someone, the love you feel and have is not enough to save things...


I finally see things clearly
I see things as they are
Not the way I wanted them to be
I was blinded
Blinded by the love I held for you
Thought you held for me
I saw you as you were in my heart
Saw things only as I felt them to be
I was honest and sure
I was deeply in love with you
That was my reality
That was the reflection I expected to always see
~From you
~From me
That was my reality
But it wasn't the truth
I was blinded
It ended one day suddenly
The love of you and I
I didn't see it coming
But that's not really the truth
I was so busy basking in my love of you
I did not see you for you
There were plenty of signs
I chose to only see my love
I chose to ignore the lies
And they were there for me to see each and everyday
I was covered in my loving of you
When I should have walked away
I was blinded
By trust and the words you shared with me
But instead of your words
I should have paid attention to your actions
Because they were the reality
So what saved me?
What opened my eyes to the truth?
It was simply you being you yet again
But even then I didn't want to let go
I was still all in
I was still determined to love you
I thought my love would be enough for both of us
I was blinded
Finally, the weight of it all came crashing in
And I had to look at things as they truly were
I had to face the truth
And the truth is...
No matter how much I love you
No matter how much I might want to believe you love me
No matter how much I want this fairytale
It's over
Truth forced me out of blindness
And now I clearly see
Love is blind....but it's not always enough to save things
That's my new reality
I see things clearly now...not as my love wanted things to be...

Love is Frail

Love is Frail
It is like a delicate flower, which has to be given the right amount of sunlight, water and nourishment. Any more or less of the right things, and it will wilt and die.

Love is Frail
When it’s good, when all things make sense; it feels amazing.
When it’s bad, when you argue about things you don’t even understand; when the issues are bigger than the love, it feels horrible.

Love is Frail
To truly have what you need, you must be willing to strip bare of all ego. You must nurture it and give it your attention. It’s not about sacrificing who you are, but it is about be willing to sacrifice those things that do it harm. And there are things that do harm.

Love is Frail
That’s why it comes from the heart. The heart is so very delicate. It is the center of life; the center of love. Love requires patience, understanding, communication, growth, commitment, strength, work, due diligence, willingness, participation, honesty, conviction, faith, acceptance, honor, devotion, desire and passion….

Love is Frail
And yet, we crave it, need it, continue to seek it.

You ©

Yes, it's been awhile. I've actually been enjoying life for a moment. I felt I needed to take a step back, in order to return with fresher eyes and new perspective on love and loving. This whole writing process is so new to me. And I worried for a time that my pen would grow silent. And I've fallen head over heels in love recently, which has given me a completely new thought process as well.
I find myself writing the exact opposite of where I am in the spectrum of love, so it will be very interesting at time progresses to see where I am lead in my writings.
But today, is a brand new day and I wanted to share something I wrote while sitting on a plane yesterday, waiting for take off...It's about how I feel when love feels good to me.  And right now, love feels so good to me...

You
feel so familiar
so right
lips - so juicy and sweet
are like mine
they feel warm
secure
I can taste the love of you in your kisses
You
there's just something
something about you
that I can't even explain
that feels so good
like home
the way our bodies combine
the way your pelvis fits mine
I feel a passion
You
have stoked a fire
that I suppose has always burned in me
low and slow
or sometimes, hardly at all
and now
it burns big
bright
sure
You
I am engulfed
by desires so intense
by cravings so strong
for you
for loving you
for being loved by you
you feed my insatiable appetite for love
that I've hidden for so very long
You
and now I know
as I inhale the scent of you
feel your heart beating next to mine
touch and hug you oh so tight
I know
I am safe
I am secure
I am loved
and I am in love with
You....

The Battle Belongs to....©

As I was getting dressed this morning, I decided to wear my white sneakers, which I discovered after a mad scramble were tucked under my bed. The first shoe was easy to retrieve, but somehow, I pushed the other shoe further back underneath the bed. I had to get a hanger, lay completely flat on the floor and then stretch to reach it. I wanted to give up and put on other shoes, but that would have probably created additional drama in terms of what I was actually wearing. So I battled with myself to reach the shoe and finally, I won.
That's how I used to be with love. I wanted it so dang gone bad,  I would fight and claw to keep it, holding to men who did not want to be with me for whatever reason. The frustrations and toxic things they said would fuel me even further to be nicer, to better, try to be more. I was hanging on by an emotional thread, trying to fight to stay in places I knew in my heart of hearts I didn't need to be. It would eventually become a battle I would not win - and then they were gone. And I was a wreck.  
My Mom used to always say pick your battles wisely. I don't think she meant it this way. lol  It makes sense to fight for things that have meaning and purpose; A promotion, a coveted spot in a competitive academic program, your life...But love? No. Love should never be hard. Challenging yes, but never hard.  
When that bell finally rang for me - when I cried my last few tears over yet another one gone - when I surrenderd and said I don't have the answers, but I have the heart and faith that things can be better.....that's when my life shifted. And I am forever changed.
Stop fighting love. Take a deep breath, let go and let whatever higher power you believe in, uplift you and trust that all is well.
You are an amazing being, well crafted and of high regard. Your self-worth can never be measured. You deserve to have things the way you want them. Shed the fear and doubt. Let go of that toxic relationship - NOW. If he or she hasn't changed, they are not going to - EVER. That's their right. But you don't have to settle for less. You are not less....


The battle rages on
I find myself dazed and confused
I want love so bad
I remember the beginning of you and I
There was so much energy between us
We were electric
We were amazing
The dates, the long phone calls, the passion, the dreams we shared
It was so very good
I didn't even notice when or how things changed
I was the same
But you were different somehow
It started with going out less
Then the calls became less
Then the passion became less
Then I became less
Less important
To who and what you were
I became less
The battle rages on
Now you seem irritated by simple things
Now fear lodged inside me
Then bubbled over and spilled out
I became desperate
Clinging 
Trying to hold on
To you 
To us
The battle rages on
Now I'm like a mother cub defending her babies 
I slide into irrational behavior
Clinging
I become a super detective
Searching your face, your phone - you - me
Trying to figure out what happened
The battle rages on
Now we point fingers at each other
When we used to hold hands
Now we argue with one another
When we used to be so cool
I don't recognize
Don't remember
How this all came to be
What happened?
What did I do?
How can I do to fix this?
Where did you go?
But they are just empty questions
Because when love that should be simple, becomes complicated
It is time to go
So quietly, without drama or fanfare
I gather my emotional belongings
Gather my dignity and understanding
Gather whatever physical things there are
Gather the pieces of me
And I walk away - I shut the door
As hard as this is, my life is worth more
There are no more battles left for me
I'm done
Game over
You are welcome to live your life as is
For now the battle belongs to...You....

Perfectly ©

Part of love is loving yourself. How will you ever love someone else if you cannot love who you are? I've said here recently that for a large portion of my life I wanted to be something else. One of my greatest breakthroughs came when I released that.  But I have to affirm myself each and every day in order not to revert back to that way of thinking.
Everywhere I look, there's an image that is in stark contrast to who I am. If you look at these images long enough, you will surely feel less than. However, if you instead choose to look around you at the women you work or shop with, and with whom you have friendships with; If you are honest about what you see, you will understand that these images are not the truth for the vast majority of women. Or you! Are some of us overweight and unhealthy? Yes. But my full hips and the cellulite that is on my thighs does not condemn me to live a life that is less fulfilling. I am meant to be happy no matter.
I think that is why so many women embrace Michelle Obama. It's not just that she is black. It's that we finally see a woman who looks more like who we are. And by we, I mean all women, not just women of color.
It's time to find something - just one thing that you love about you physically, and embrace and affirm it fully.  Start small. Dr. Martin Luther King said take the first step - you don't have to see the whole staircase. Take the first step toward you. Love yourself. For you were made perfectly....

I appreciate my body
despite all the things that appear wrong
For they are only wrong to me
Because, honestly
God made me perfectly
I'm not the images that I see on TV
I'm not displayed on or in magazines
My hips are full
My breasts are small
But, God made me perfectly
I am overweight by society's standards
I'm certainly not tall at all
But God, I have to thank you
Right here and now
For heavenly Father, you made me, perfectly
There are people without limbs
There are people without sound or sight
How humble I am to know
So many things could be wrong
But God, you made me perfectly
I've had my eyes cast downward
I've focused on an earthly prize
I must look up
Feel richly blessed by God
Each and everyday
God, you did it, you made me perfectly
I may never win a beauty contest
I am certainly not a perfect ten
But I have a wonderful circle of friends
I have a man who is crazy about me and loves me as is
And best of all, I have God's love
And to him, I am made ~ Perfectly....

I Want More ©

The word satisfied has been resonating with me since I opened my eyes this morning. As I've journeyed this past year, one of the things I had to do was finally come to grips with who and what I am right now. Not what I was in the past, or what I will go on to become, but who I am in this very moment. I noted one morning that I could shower, dress, apply make up and fix my hair, but I wasn't really LOOKING at myself. Do you truly look at yourself in the mirror? No, take a good, long, stark look at who you are. I started doing that, and in doing so, I had to come to grips with who I am. The imperfect Valerie that was staring back at me. Was she happy or sad? What did she like? I didn't really know those answers, so I had to get in touch with her all over again. And truly, I had to get real and like - then love - who was looking back at me.
This is a continuing process that I still have to follow through with every single day. But what I love is that each day that God blesses me on this earth is a day that I get to affirm and love me. And I'm loving me some me right now.... and in that self love I am open to love. My love expands because of the love I have for me.

That's what this affirmation means for me.....


I know from the power of God's word
and the beliefs I affirm everyday
that I am more
and because I am more
I Want More
I promise to only try
~on new shoes or clothes
~my dream car for a test drive
~to do my best everyday
And that no longer will I try
~to love a man
~to be perfect
~to be less than
I Want More
Mary J. Blige says "Take me as I am"
and that is where I am right now
There are no additives or fillers
There are no false pretenses
There are imperfections
There is cellulite
There are crinkles at the corners of my eyes
There are full hips, lips and thighs
There are silver strands
But
It's all me ~ and I'm loving me
I Want More
There's more to my life's story
More love for me to have
More love for me to give
The best is just around the corner
But I'm living well just as is ~ right now
My power is here with me
My circle of love is amazing
I appreciate things as they are
I am who I am
~in spite of
~rather than
~and because of
I am AWESOME ~ thank God!
I am who I am
I love me
and because of this knowledge
I Want More....

New Year - New You?

Happy New Year everyone! I wish an abundance of joy and love for each of us. Here were my thoughts as I quietly rang the New Year in...

When you do the work of
going through the grief
exploring your past
accepting that you - and others, are not perfect
when you have accepted that you have made mistakes, and will make many more
when you can forgive - forgive - forgive ~ yourself and others
when you have finally faced your fears and insecurities
or at least acknowledge them
when have allowed yourself to let go of your ego
And when you can once and for all, love yourself as is
Then, then you are ready for love again
I am ready

2009 was about learning for me. I had to go through it, to get to it. What is it? Me, myself and I. I was living a life where I wanted to be anyone else but me - taller, shorter, thinner, heavier, lighter, richer, darker - and always with bigger breasts! But each time I looked in the mirror, the same Valerie was starring back. Yes, the hips expanded after babies and age, but I was always the same person. I wanted to be perfect. The perfect daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, student, employee, wife and mother.

But I discovered one day that I wasn't perfect. All I had was me, as is. With a warranty only guaranteed by God. And if God made me, surely I must be okay. With that realization came change. And with change came turmoil. Surely if I have this kind of clarity the devil had to step in and cause some mess. And that he did. But in the midst of all this, I found salvation in writing. And I did quite a bit. These postings are just a snapshot of what I've written.

Through it all, I learned to love and trust me. I am a better woman today, and it's all because I spent some time with me. When is the last time you've taken that time? I needed to be what I desired. And I needed to create what I wanted clearly in my mind. All that came from writing.

It's a New Year. It's time to create a New You to go along with it. Take the time. It's so worth it. I promise you. I dare you!

PoeticV

We Dance Slowly ©

I think slow dancing with someone is one of the most sensual and intimate things you can do. There you are, in sync with the music, touching, bodies locked in an embrace. Wow. And I always imagine dancing at an unexpected time, like while washing the dishes, or just sitting around the house. I know. That's the romantic in me. Can you tell I've spent endless time reading and watching romantic books and movies? Well a girl can dream right? Soooo, who comes to your mind as you read this?

When I'm in your arms
I feel so safe and secure
I feel your heartbeat when you hold me like this
in near perfect sync with mine
I feel the warmth of your skin - your breath
We Dance Slowly
Swept away by the sultry sounds
the world is far away
~there's just you and I
There are no troubles when I'm safely tucked in your arms
I don't want this time to end
We Dance Slowly
Time and space don't matter at this moment
the day's events are washed away
I rub your shoulders to ease your troubles
you smile at me and plant a delicate kiss
We embrace closer still
the promise of more fills the room
We Dance Slowly
You dip me and nuzzle my neck
I giggle and let out a content sigh
This ~ feels so good, so right
We take a spin around the furniture
glide past the dining room
down the hallway
We Dance Slowly
Hearts racing
We hold each other for a moment
you gather my face and gently kiss me
we are now caught up in a love dance
You carry me to our room
We Dance Slowly
On into the night we flow
we dance as familiar lovers do
When I'm in your arms
I feel so safe and secure
I love you
And home is what I feel whenever I dance with you...