Foundation

Value; The thing we as women tend to lose sight of, while falling in love. If it comes down to a choice of holding on to him, or you - choose you. If he was meant to stay, he wouldn't be leaving. And if he's leaving, he wasn't meant to stay. Love is a partnership. Take the time to work on your portfolio for the right business man....

I keep pointing the finger at you
Because that's so much easier to do
But I can't be of value to you
Until I build a better me
Yet, I keep looking at you
Blaming you for all the bullshit
I play this endless song of pity
Of being the victim
"It's all his fault" I sing loud and clear
But it's not about you
It's just about me
There's only one reflection in the mirror
Just me, staring back at me
And when I point my finger
My finger's pointing straight back at me
Damn
I can't build you
If I don't build me
It's just an empty foundation
That will surely fall
I can't be of value to you
Until I build a better me
No more finger pointing
It's time to get down to business
It's time to work on me
Build my brand
Become a better woman
A strong business partner
So I attract the right man to do business with me
To be my life partner
I have to spend time investing in me
Build my assests
Of self esteem
Of self love
Of everything
And tear down the walls
Of self hatred
Of low worth
Of low level thinking
Build my foundation on cement, not sinking sand
Build a better me
Build a better woman
No more finger pointing at you
I own myself
And I'm choosing me
A strong me
A better me
I am building me.....

Maybe

I am really trying my best with this whole love thing, to finally, fully figure it all out. This game is a brutal one in my mind, and I'm way too old to keep getting out there and getting stomped on. I know the notion of kissing a bunch of frogs in order to find my prince and all, but this....the lying, cheating, craziness is well - crazy. Sometimes I sit quietly, and ask myself what is about me that attracts all this. It's not a valid question that can be answered, but when you've gone through a series of mishaps, you've got to ask.

In the end, I KNOW that it's not me; just bad luck or a bad frog; but sometimes I think maybe....

Maybe it's just me
Maybe I'm so messed up, that I don't realize
I don't see
I mean after all, the common denominator here
~Is me
Me and him
And him
And him
But always, it's me
So maybe - it is me
Me who has the problem with love
Perhaps I don't trust enough
Share enough
Care enough
Love enough
What?
I'm just seeking to understand
Seeking to change
To be a better woman
So I'll be the woman
For someone
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe it's time to point the finger at me
Not as a victim
See, this is just me trying to learn the lesson
And that lesson may be - me
Looking at me
Wanting to change
Taking a long, hard look in the mirror
Facing the jurors for a verdict
See, I really want to get this right
These questions surface because I want something different for my life
I don't want to keep coming back to this
Sorting yet again to try and figure out what went wrong
Constantly revisiting this space of emptiness
This is me wanting to be a better me
I have no hidden agenda
No story
Nothing
I am here completey open
I am stripped down
I am bare
Trying to learn the lesson
Trying to get to the next passage or level
I don't want to keep returning back to the beginning to start over
I need a better understanding
I need a revelation
I need to simply understand
And maybe
Just maybe, with that understanding
I'll find myself
New, improved, sharper, smarter
Yes maybe
In this open state I'll be able to move ahead
I will be lucky to find the necessary change
Maybe I'll find the secret code
And in that
I'll find me
I'll find me
I'll find authentic, sexy ass, beautiful Valerie
The one who will attract the right one
I can hope that right?
Maybe.....

A Rose by VLR

I watch you pass me by, we cross paths several times, up and down each aisle. You glance my way when you think I'm not looking, but you never say...hi...you never ask me my name. You just pass me by. Pass me by....

A beautiful garden, with flowers as far as the eye can see
A garden nurtured by gentle rains, warm sunshine and fresh air
A beautiful garden
That's where you'll find me
A single rose
Fragrant, delicate
Standing alone in a beautiful sea of flowers
There's nothing that makes me extraordinary
Nothing to mark me from the crowd - no fleck of unusual color
A single rose
Yet, when I am separated from the crowd - from that beautiful garden
When I'm surrounded only by my singlular beauty
My fragrance sings out loud
I can only be seen, by those willing to stop and take notice of me
For those willing to stop and pick me out of the crowd
Those willing, to stop and stay awhile
Otherwise, you'll never "see" me
You'll never know the full potential of me
You'll never know my beauty
Never will you fully appreciate me
You'll never know
If you pass me by
If you look at all the flowers
All you'll see are flowers
You'll never know what makes my scent special
You'll never know what makes me smile
Or cry
Or happy
You'll never know what makes me special
No, you'll admire the beauty of the garden, but you'll also pass me by
A single rose
Fragrant, delicate, beautiful
In a sea of other flowers
Standing alone

Love's Game

I've been gone for awhile. So many things have happened. Recently, I made a major decision and relocated to the east coast. I've been a Cali girl all my life, and wanted a change. I'm sure that this will expand my writings in ways that I could never imagine.

And with all this change, I had considered taking my blog down. It's not that I don't have anything to say, but more like, what do I want to say? Just as my life is headed in a new direction, pehaps it's simply time for a new direction here as well. I'll give it more thought, and perhaps make a formal format announcement for the New Year. Or maybe I'll simply continue in this same vein.....to be continued....

In the meantime, let's continue in the way I normally do things....

I Miss you
Miss the connection I feel for you
Miss our long talks late into the night
Miss the shared laughter
I feel you slowly slipping away
And there's nothing I can do or say
To change the vibe that's here
Because you don't belong to me
I am just your friend
That's the divide between us
Even though there's more between us
Unspoken, yet it clings to air
Love's Game
I have to watch as you grow closer to another
A thousand times inside I die
Because the you and I that I desire can never be
Because I can never be all that I feel for you
In your eyes, you don't see me
You don't see my love
You are not in love with me
Love's Game
You're not in love with me
And so I sit here
And try to act the same
I try
But it's not the same for me
Things for me shifted
I am in love with you
And you only love me
I'm your friend
Just
Your friend
Love's Game
So I lay here
Alone
Clinging to a pillow
Wishing it were you
While you are with someone else
This is my reality
The sum of all my realities
So I squeeze my pillow tight
And I let you go
This is not a fairy tale
I let you go
You are not prince charming
You are not going to come and rescue me
You are not going to walk on my job and sweep me off my feet
You are not going to ride up in a limo and take me away
You are not in love with me
This game is over
And sometimes in love's game, nice girls simply don't win

My Pen

So here I've been ~ in love; madly, deeply...I embraced it fully with trust and without thought. I did my homework, listening and asking all the right questions. I pulled open the blinds, the doors and windows to my life, and let him in.

And time passed, and it was good. And more time passed, and it was bad. Time passed, and here I was ~ in love...

And just as it appeared, it was gone. And I am left here, sitting with my pen in hand. My pen. The place I can go to without fear. The place I can shed the tears I feel falling like a torrential downpour in my heart. The place I can be real, instead of out there, looking and smelling good; smiling brightly; having a brave face. But the whole time inside, I cry.

My pen and paper are my refuge. The place where I can let it all out, without fear of opinion. And it is with this pen, I release, in order to survive. If I don't write it out, the pain I feel will suffocate me. I use this time to get honest and shed the hurt and pain. I get honest in order to reach outside of myself ~  to help myself. I reach out to help you.

Thank God for my pen.....


From my pen I pour out my feelings

All that I feel inside
Deep and far away from prying eyes
Unscripted, unfiltered. Raw. Real
From my pen I cry, sigh; say good-bye
From my pen I find the strength to continue moving forward
From my pen I find my courage
My pen reveals all that I sometimes refuse to see
My pen pulls back the facade; rips the curtains; shines a light
My pen reveals the truth
My pen reveals me
A thousand tears I've cried over and for you
A thousand times I've said I love you
A thousand times I've forgiven you
A thousand times
A thousand times
My pen flows
My pen shows
A thousand times will be no more
A thousand times
A thousand times
No more
From my pen I release you

Fit

A friend of mine wrote me a thought today, about not letting love slip through my fingers. This in turn created the thought for me...what if you are so busy trying to work a love that simply isn't meant to be and you shouldn't, because it's not meant to be? It seems we expend so much energy involved in things we have no business in; jobs, family drama, money mistakes and relationships.  Yikes! What a waste.  Love is work yes, but you should not spend days and nights with thoughts of "Why am I doing this" floating around in your head.

It's time to stop the madness. Get off the roller coaster and find something else to do with your time. And allow that person to find their intended fit. Will that hurt? Absolutely. But take the band-aid off, and get ready for thine healing!


Sometimes we cling to something that is not meant to be
Working tirelessly, we try to squeeze what isn’t into the space of what is
And it doesn’t fit
No matter how much you want it
No matter how good it may feel initially
It doesn’t fit
Like a pretty shoe that starts out feeling great
You know they’re a little tight
Wait? Was that an inner alarm?
You’ll stretch them out ~ that’s what the voice of unreason says
So you get them anyway
Yet, you know it’s not right
But you get them anyway
And then, that first night out
You are there looking so proud
Strutting like you own the place
There’s joy all around
But then reality kicks in
And those pretty shoes start to hurt
Pinching toes, sending pain everywhere
Yet there you are, too proud to remove them
Cause they’re so damn pretty
But they don't fit
You can’t even think because the pain is everywhere
Oh but you look so good in those shoes
But they don’t fit
And now, here’s your love
Everything starts out great
Wait ~ was that an inner alarm?
Something saying it’s not right?
You’ll work it out ~ that’s what the voice of unreason says
So you date her anyway
You like him anyway
You guys look so great together
Everyone tells you so
Just like those shoes
It takes a minute for reality to set in...
There you are, working and working at it
Trying to make a great fit
Trying to make sense of things that simply ~ don’t make sense
Because they are not meant to make sense
Because in reality, you two don’t fit
It’s not your size
He’s not your man
She’s not your girl
It doesn’t fit
Love should feel
Secure
Amazing
Trusting
Wonderful
COMFORTABLE
But there you are with struggle
With ~ arguing over things so small
With ~ more questions than answers
With ~ frustrations and drama
With ~ yourself
Like those tight pair of shoes
You are left standing around miserable and in pain
What to do?
What to say?
Nothing
It’s simply time to take off the shoes
Time to take off the man ~ the woman
Release yourself from the pain and misery
Just because this wasn’t a good fit
Just because those pretty shoes don’t fit
Doesn’t mean that you won’t find better
Doesn’t mean that you are a failure
It just means it wasn’t a good fit
No need to beat yourself up
You don’t do that about the shoes
So why do that about a relationship?
No really ~ why?
Learn the lesson and move on
There will be other shoes
There will be other relationships
As bad as it feels now, this too shall pass
Just like those pretty shoes….

Understanding

I was listening to a friend today, and she was lamenting about dating. Our conversation ended with a similar debate we would always have, and that is  it whether or not dating gets harder as we age, or is it just hard in general?  As I left her, I thought about how many times she and I had laughed and cried about our dating adventures.  As I pondered those thoughts, it brought me to a place of writing, and as I thought more and more, I reasoned that around many a water cooler, no matter age, sexual preference or gender - there is a similar conversation going on; Why is it so hard to wade through the pool of fish in order to simply find the one?

As a black woman, I can only reflect things as I see them through my own lens of experience. And while I will agree that this is a difficult struggle, I try not to allow the opinions of others, or the things I read or hear on television pollute and wage war on what I feel. I choose to believe that there is love out there for both me and you! And no matter how bloody the battle is in those rough waters, I also choose to get right back out there after each battle, because I feel that each one brings me closer to being with "him".

I refuse to believe the stats that say that the dating pool is bleaker for black women, just as I refuse to adhere to the constant barrage of negative stereotypes about being a black woman. I am an intelligent, hardworking, hopeful, poised, pleasant, no where near angry, strong, fearless, faith believing... beautiful black woman. I don't apologize or shrink from who I am, yet sometimes I feel like there's something flawed in being who I am. If I believe all that I read and hear, it's somehow my fault for all that is lacking in love because I am a black woman. The plight of black love is laid at the feet of black women. Hmmmm...I find that interesting because isn't love a two way street? I feel less that it's a black thing, and more of a universal problem. I have friends of all ages and hues, and we all share similar stories. We all struggle. That would make this more a universal problem wouldn't it? The description of me applies to any woman. I didn't have to add that I'm black. That's a given when you see me. The color of my skin doesn't reveal what my heart feels. The heartbeat of love is a universal language. It has to be in order to allow people of different races to come together. Love is color blind. My struggles with dating and such are universal. There isn't anything that I feel, nothing in the tears that I shed that are not felt by other men and women. I know I am not alone. And I know this has less to do with the fact that I am a black woman.   

So what does it all boil down to? As I listened to my friend today, what resonated with me was one simple word; Understanding. When I observe and talk to couples, the thing that hits home for me is their understanding of one another. Perhaps a better choice of word is tolerance. What are you willing to tolerate or understand from another person?

I am willing to be who I am...I am willing to cross the span of time, distance and whatever other great divide that is out there between myself and the love of a man...I am willing to bring my patience and understanding to the table. And for that, all I ask is that he be willing to do the same. The hard part of all of this is remaining hopeful throughout. It is difficult at times, and even discouraging. Yet, I know that nothing worth having is obtained without effort. In the meantime, my job is to allow my life to be full and complete as is - while keeping myself open to possibilities. That's a fine line to follow...appearing comfortable being with just me, and being open to someone. But it's possible.


Here I sit
Listening to a friend lament
And cry about a guy
And what he isn't
He isn't a man of his word
He isn't a man committed to her
He just - isn't that guy
He just isn't - it
But I can't say that
I have to listen
And allow her to say it
Allow her to realize it
Because the choice is hers and not mine
I see the truth
But that's in my eyes
She has to see this for herself
She has to see it
People tell us who they are
Tell the truth about what, who and when
But we do something different with the data
We filter it and fill in the blanks with other stuff
We hold on and on and on
We take his or her shit
But it's just that
Shit
And sometimes, it's not for us to hold
Sometimes he just isn't - it
There's nothing to be angry about
We all have it
We all have some shit
It's just a matter of understanding
How much of you is relevant
And how much of you isn't
And oh the same goes for me
How much of what I bring to you
How much are you willing to deal with
How much can be filtered out
How much is irrelevant
So we continue to circle the waters
Seeking out just the right one
Filtering out all the others
Seeking just the right one
Sometimes the waters are murky
Sometimes the waters are rough
Sometimes the waters are calm
There are all kinds of fish out there
All kinds of fish to see
You just have to find one
The one that is relevant
The one that can deal with your shit
The one that is - an is
Not the one that is -  an isn't
In the meantime
Swim
Enjoy the waters
Be a beautiful fish
Find your own relevance