Blinded

With clear eyes I see things as they truly are, not as my love wanted them to be...What is your heart blinding you from? Sometimes, we have to step in and save ourselves, from ourselves. Some of the most courageous things you will do will be the most painful. It's choice, and choice isn't always warm and fuzzy. And sometimes, no matter how badly you want someone, the love you feel and have is not enough to save things...


I finally see things clearly
I see things as they are
Not the way I wanted them to be
I was blinded
Blinded by the love I held for you
Thought you held for me
I saw you as you were in my heart
Saw things only as I felt them to be
I was honest and sure
I was deeply in love with you
That was my reality
That was the reflection I expected to always see
~From you
~From me
That was my reality
But it wasn't the truth
I was blinded
It ended one day suddenly
The love of you and I
I didn't see it coming
But that's not really the truth
I was so busy basking in my love of you
I did not see you for you
There were plenty of signs
I chose to only see my love
I chose to ignore the lies
And they were there for me to see each and everyday
I was covered in my loving of you
When I should have walked away
I was blinded
By trust and the words you shared with me
But instead of your words
I should have paid attention to your actions
Because they were the reality
So what saved me?
What opened my eyes to the truth?
It was simply you being you yet again
But even then I didn't want to let go
I was still all in
I was still determined to love you
I thought my love would be enough for both of us
I was blinded
Finally, the weight of it all came crashing in
And I had to look at things as they truly were
I had to face the truth
And the truth is...
No matter how much I love you
No matter how much I might want to believe you love me
No matter how much I want this fairytale
It's over
Truth forced me out of blindness
And now I clearly see
Love is blind....but it's not always enough to save things
That's my new reality
I see things clearly now...not as my love wanted things to be...

Love is Frail

Love is Frail
It is like a delicate flower, which has to be given the right amount of sunlight, water and nourishment. Any more or less of the right things, and it will wilt and die.

Love is Frail
When it’s good, when all things make sense; it feels amazing.
When it’s bad, when you argue about things you don’t even understand; when the issues are bigger than the love, it feels horrible.

Love is Frail
To truly have what you need, you must be willing to strip bare of all ego. You must nurture it and give it your attention. It’s not about sacrificing who you are, but it is about be willing to sacrifice those things that do it harm. And there are things that do harm.

Love is Frail
That’s why it comes from the heart. The heart is so very delicate. It is the center of life; the center of love. Love requires patience, understanding, communication, growth, commitment, strength, work, due diligence, willingness, participation, honesty, conviction, faith, acceptance, honor, devotion, desire and passion….

Love is Frail
And yet, we crave it, need it, continue to seek it.

You ©

Yes, it's been awhile. I've actually been enjoying life for a moment. I felt I needed to take a step back, in order to return with fresher eyes and new perspective on love and loving. This whole writing process is so new to me. And I worried for a time that my pen would grow silent. And I've fallen head over heels in love recently, which has given me a completely new thought process as well.
I find myself writing the exact opposite of where I am in the spectrum of love, so it will be very interesting at time progresses to see where I am lead in my writings.
But today, is a brand new day and I wanted to share something I wrote while sitting on a plane yesterday, waiting for take off...It's about how I feel when love feels good to me.  And right now, love feels so good to me...

You
feel so familiar
so right
lips - so juicy and sweet
are like mine
they feel warm
secure
I can taste the love of you in your kisses
You
there's just something
something about you
that I can't even explain
that feels so good
like home
the way our bodies combine
the way your pelvis fits mine
I feel a passion
You
have stoked a fire
that I suppose has always burned in me
low and slow
or sometimes, hardly at all
and now
it burns big
bright
sure
You
I am engulfed
by desires so intense
by cravings so strong
for you
for loving you
for being loved by you
you feed my insatiable appetite for love
that I've hidden for so very long
You
and now I know
as I inhale the scent of you
feel your heart beating next to mine
touch and hug you oh so tight
I know
I am safe
I am secure
I am loved
and I am in love with
You....

The Battle Belongs to....©

As I was getting dressed this morning, I decided to wear my white sneakers, which I discovered after a mad scramble were tucked under my bed. The first shoe was easy to retrieve, but somehow, I pushed the other shoe further back underneath the bed. I had to get a hanger, lay completely flat on the floor and then stretch to reach it. I wanted to give up and put on other shoes, but that would have probably created additional drama in terms of what I was actually wearing. So I battled with myself to reach the shoe and finally, I won.
That's how I used to be with love. I wanted it so dang gone bad,  I would fight and claw to keep it, holding to men who did not want to be with me for whatever reason. The frustrations and toxic things they said would fuel me even further to be nicer, to better, try to be more. I was hanging on by an emotional thread, trying to fight to stay in places I knew in my heart of hearts I didn't need to be. It would eventually become a battle I would not win - and then they were gone. And I was a wreck.  
My Mom used to always say pick your battles wisely. I don't think she meant it this way. lol  It makes sense to fight for things that have meaning and purpose; A promotion, a coveted spot in a competitive academic program, your life...But love? No. Love should never be hard. Challenging yes, but never hard.  
When that bell finally rang for me - when I cried my last few tears over yet another one gone - when I surrenderd and said I don't have the answers, but I have the heart and faith that things can be better.....that's when my life shifted. And I am forever changed.
Stop fighting love. Take a deep breath, let go and let whatever higher power you believe in, uplift you and trust that all is well.
You are an amazing being, well crafted and of high regard. Your self-worth can never be measured. You deserve to have things the way you want them. Shed the fear and doubt. Let go of that toxic relationship - NOW. If he or she hasn't changed, they are not going to - EVER. That's their right. But you don't have to settle for less. You are not less....


The battle rages on
I find myself dazed and confused
I want love so bad
I remember the beginning of you and I
There was so much energy between us
We were electric
We were amazing
The dates, the long phone calls, the passion, the dreams we shared
It was so very good
I didn't even notice when or how things changed
I was the same
But you were different somehow
It started with going out less
Then the calls became less
Then the passion became less
Then I became less
Less important
To who and what you were
I became less
The battle rages on
Now you seem irritated by simple things
Now fear lodged inside me
Then bubbled over and spilled out
I became desperate
Clinging 
Trying to hold on
To you 
To us
The battle rages on
Now I'm like a mother cub defending her babies 
I slide into irrational behavior
Clinging
I become a super detective
Searching your face, your phone - you - me
Trying to figure out what happened
The battle rages on
Now we point fingers at each other
When we used to hold hands
Now we argue with one another
When we used to be so cool
I don't recognize
Don't remember
How this all came to be
What happened?
What did I do?
How can I do to fix this?
Where did you go?
But they are just empty questions
Because when love that should be simple, becomes complicated
It is time to go
So quietly, without drama or fanfare
I gather my emotional belongings
Gather my dignity and understanding
Gather whatever physical things there are
Gather the pieces of me
And I walk away - I shut the door
As hard as this is, my life is worth more
There are no more battles left for me
I'm done
Game over
You are welcome to live your life as is
For now the battle belongs to...You....

Perfectly ©

Part of love is loving yourself. How will you ever love someone else if you cannot love who you are? I've said here recently that for a large portion of my life I wanted to be something else. One of my greatest breakthroughs came when I released that.  But I have to affirm myself each and every day in order not to revert back to that way of thinking.
Everywhere I look, there's an image that is in stark contrast to who I am. If you look at these images long enough, you will surely feel less than. However, if you instead choose to look around you at the women you work or shop with, and with whom you have friendships with; If you are honest about what you see, you will understand that these images are not the truth for the vast majority of women. Or you! Are some of us overweight and unhealthy? Yes. But my full hips and the cellulite that is on my thighs does not condemn me to live a life that is less fulfilling. I am meant to be happy no matter.
I think that is why so many women embrace Michelle Obama. It's not just that she is black. It's that we finally see a woman who looks more like who we are. And by we, I mean all women, not just women of color.
It's time to find something - just one thing that you love about you physically, and embrace and affirm it fully.  Start small. Dr. Martin Luther King said take the first step - you don't have to see the whole staircase. Take the first step toward you. Love yourself. For you were made perfectly....

I appreciate my body
despite all the things that appear wrong
For they are only wrong to me
Because, honestly
God made me perfectly
I'm not the images that I see on TV
I'm not displayed on or in magazines
My hips are full
My breasts are small
But, God made me perfectly
I am overweight by society's standards
I'm certainly not tall at all
But God, I have to thank you
Right here and now
For heavenly Father, you made me, perfectly
There are people without limbs
There are people without sound or sight
How humble I am to know
So many things could be wrong
But God, you made me perfectly
I've had my eyes cast downward
I've focused on an earthly prize
I must look up
Feel richly blessed by God
Each and everyday
God, you did it, you made me perfectly
I may never win a beauty contest
I am certainly not a perfect ten
But I have a wonderful circle of friends
I have a man who is crazy about me and loves me as is
And best of all, I have God's love
And to him, I am made ~ Perfectly....

I Want More ©

The word satisfied has been resonating with me since I opened my eyes this morning. As I've journeyed this past year, one of the things I had to do was finally come to grips with who and what I am right now. Not what I was in the past, or what I will go on to become, but who I am in this very moment. I noted one morning that I could shower, dress, apply make up and fix my hair, but I wasn't really LOOKING at myself. Do you truly look at yourself in the mirror? No, take a good, long, stark look at who you are. I started doing that, and in doing so, I had to come to grips with who I am. The imperfect Valerie that was staring back at me. Was she happy or sad? What did she like? I didn't really know those answers, so I had to get in touch with her all over again. And truly, I had to get real and like - then love - who was looking back at me.
This is a continuing process that I still have to follow through with every single day. But what I love is that each day that God blesses me on this earth is a day that I get to affirm and love me. And I'm loving me some me right now.... and in that self love I am open to love. My love expands because of the love I have for me.

That's what this affirmation means for me.....


I know from the power of God's word
and the beliefs I affirm everyday
that I am more
and because I am more
I Want More
I promise to only try
~on new shoes or clothes
~my dream car for a test drive
~to do my best everyday
And that no longer will I try
~to love a man
~to be perfect
~to be less than
I Want More
Mary J. Blige says "Take me as I am"
and that is where I am right now
There are no additives or fillers
There are no false pretenses
There are imperfections
There is cellulite
There are crinkles at the corners of my eyes
There are full hips, lips and thighs
There are silver strands
But
It's all me ~ and I'm loving me
I Want More
There's more to my life's story
More love for me to have
More love for me to give
The best is just around the corner
But I'm living well just as is ~ right now
My power is here with me
My circle of love is amazing
I appreciate things as they are
I am who I am
~in spite of
~rather than
~and because of
I am AWESOME ~ thank God!
I am who I am
I love me
and because of this knowledge
I Want More....

New Year - New You?

Happy New Year everyone! I wish an abundance of joy and love for each of us. Here were my thoughts as I quietly rang the New Year in...

When you do the work of
going through the grief
exploring your past
accepting that you - and others, are not perfect
when you have accepted that you have made mistakes, and will make many more
when you can forgive - forgive - forgive ~ yourself and others
when you have finally faced your fears and insecurities
or at least acknowledge them
when have allowed yourself to let go of your ego
And when you can once and for all, love yourself as is
Then, then you are ready for love again
I am ready

2009 was about learning for me. I had to go through it, to get to it. What is it? Me, myself and I. I was living a life where I wanted to be anyone else but me - taller, shorter, thinner, heavier, lighter, richer, darker - and always with bigger breasts! But each time I looked in the mirror, the same Valerie was starring back. Yes, the hips expanded after babies and age, but I was always the same person. I wanted to be perfect. The perfect daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, student, employee, wife and mother.

But I discovered one day that I wasn't perfect. All I had was me, as is. With a warranty only guaranteed by God. And if God made me, surely I must be okay. With that realization came change. And with change came turmoil. Surely if I have this kind of clarity the devil had to step in and cause some mess. And that he did. But in the midst of all this, I found salvation in writing. And I did quite a bit. These postings are just a snapshot of what I've written.

Through it all, I learned to love and trust me. I am a better woman today, and it's all because I spent some time with me. When is the last time you've taken that time? I needed to be what I desired. And I needed to create what I wanted clearly in my mind. All that came from writing.

It's a New Year. It's time to create a New You to go along with it. Take the time. It's so worth it. I promise you. I dare you!

PoeticV