My Voice

My voice of choice for 2012 will continue to be what I have been all along, motivational, inspirational, honest; filled with real truth. I’m going to continue to sing my song; I don’t know how to be anything else, or less.  In 2012, I want to dig a little deeper & excavate the last of whatever binds me. I want to fully and completely find the authentic me; finally. I’ll do less thinking about, crying over and analyzing men, and what I can and cannot do or say. That’s got to change, because anything less would be well, insane. And I’m tired of the insanity, so instead of men in the singular I’m going to instead focus on mankind in the plural, inclusive way that it’s meant to be. And if he who needs to finds me well, that’s alright with me - but it will no longer haunt, paralyze scare or confine me. I love – love, but this silliness is over for me. Instead of worrying about why he won’t call, I’m going to work on my bottom line and booty! Real truth; This is my voice for 2012  ~V

What I Learned in 2011

With 2011 quickly coming to an end, here are some things about love I learned....

1. It's about what you do, not what you say: People will say almost anything to get in the door, but seldom live up to the hype. You must be willing to really listen - take your heart out of things early on to see if that man or woman is really worth your time. Is he telling you what you want to hear, or is he genuine and sincere?
2. Take a break: When dating and relationships start to take a toll on you, it's okay to step back and out for a moment. Recharging helps to energize you and put past mistakes and hurts in perspective. It's not a time to have a pity party or beat yourself up because of past mistakes. Take the time to heal, understand and learn. Best of all, use the time to find some new things to get involved in.
3. Being alone is a positive thing: Sometimes, we get so caught up in what society, friends, well meaning family, etc think we should be doing, that we end up with people that are clearly not meant to be in our lives. Settling, involving yourself in toxic relationships, being unhappy are all things that are unnecessary. It's okay to be alone. There is no negative to being with and enjoying yourself. If you don't enjoy you who else will? Master it.
4. Kissing frogs: If you really want to meet someone, you are going to have to step away from your computer, get cleaned up and get outside your home. The UPS and FedEx guys are cool, but you need to date! Be willing to simply get out and have some fun. And if a great relationship comes of it, well those are bonus points. But you must be willing to kiss a few frogs to find your prince or princess.
5. Love is a risk: You have to be willing to get out there, and expose yourself a bit in order to truly find the one. There were times when I thought I had hit pay dirt, only to discover sadly, that he was just a rock, not a diamond. But I learned, and that's just as important to me.

Yes, 2012 is just around the corner. And I look forward to your adventures and mine in dating in the New Year. Let's both get ready to laugh, cry, live and whatever else...

V

Happy Holidays!

Christmas is near. Hopefully you are almost done with shopping, and ready for the family and friends you’ll see and share the day with. I’m taking a moment now to wish everyone a safe and richly blessed day. My wishes for all…that you be of good cheer whether you are near or far.

For those like me who are single, still embrace the day. If you don’t have friends or family to celebrate with, still surround yourself with wonderful self-love – God will be sending someone to love your way – soon enough – for now simply continue to be ready. Consider taking stock of who you’ve been in 2011, and think about how better you can be for 2012.

Revolutionize yourself! Shake loose of all the negative things you’ve experienced this year – from bad dates, to bad relationships. It’s over thank goodness. Don’t take it with you into 2012. And if you’re holding out for or on someone, it’s time to let go. It’s a painful choice, but one that is necessary. The fear of being alone allows us to be in things we have no business being in – whether it’s being involved with someone who is already committed, to being in relationships that we are unhappy in. Whatever it is let go, and let God. Inject your life with passion. Your life should give you chills.

I know it’s hard being alone – looking at the empty chair as you eat, getting into a cold bed. But you have yourself, and sometimes that’s the best place for you. This time last year, I was completely alone, living away from all family and friends. I awoke Christmas morning crying and having a nice pity party. But I decided to get up and prepare my dinner and celebrate the day. And I felt so much better. It’s all in how you look at things. It all sounds cliché I know, but it beats the alternative. You are what you think really. And some of us are thinking some crazy stuff!


Today
One more day
I was given
To be blessed
To be a blessing
One more day
To make a difference
In who I am
And what I choose to say
One more day
To change
To live
Breathe
To tell the truth
In word or deed
One more day
I was given
Today
Amen

Be blessed!

The Entrance

It's been a long time since I've posted anything, and I apologize. I've been caught in this thing called life. But I'm back, and hope to bring some new and interesting thoughts and pieces to you soon. I'm still here; still single and still in love with love....

This piece was written after yet another dismal encounter with a frog - I mean guy. I am often shocked at the things that spring forth from a man's mouth in an initial encounter. I'm not a prude, but fail to understand how speaking of what you can and will do for me sexually when I'm trying to get to know if I should even spend any reasonable time with you, is effective. It's not for me anyway. But to each his own I suppose. That's just not the way to my heart.

So quick are you to tell me what you can do sexually
I'm 50
I've been and done some of the best of things
How about something different
Impress me with intellectual stimuli
Stroke me with your words
Play footsie with my mind
Kiss my heart with something witty
Make me orgasm with laughter
Wait
If you really want to see me squirm?
Share with me your dreams
What you read
Your fears
The things in life you need
It's simple for me really
You want what's between my legs?
The entrance is through my mind

Your Online Profile

Online dating...the good, bad and oh so ugly.

Your Online Profile

Your smiling picture
Sentimental words
Fail to reveal the ugly truth of who you are
Or the sinister, crazy things that lurk beneath the surface
I really tried to be open when all of this began
And it was cool for a time
I relaxed
Exhaled
And then the craziness started to creep in
Like
Being asked out on dates
Sounds simple, innocent right?
6 men did this
Then they no showed
Didn't bother to call, cancel or reschedule
Just disappeared into the darkness of cyberspace
Never to be heard from again
Really?
Who does this?
Oh, but it gets better I'm sad to say
There were 3 - yes 3
Who called the very first time
And instead of asking me things like my full name
Where I live
What things I liked to do
Did they ask anything of value?
Nope
Upon hearing my sultry voice
They decided to get excited and touch themselves
I called them jack off 1 and 2
Remember there were 3
The first two got over because I was so shocked
The last one?
I hung up right in the middle of his happiness
Yes, these stories are true
Craziness you don't see
When you look at an online profile
Things hidden behind that mega-watt smile
There were dates I went on
Like the one who was short
It was good - the kiss awkward - but I would have gone out again
If he had only called
Maybe I was too tall
Or not funny enough
I'll never know
Another one who smokes - illegal and legal
I kept imagining being arrested in a drug bust
Dramatic I know
He said I was beautiful and the best date ever
I didn't see him again
There was one who failed to mention until the date
He was married
With lots of kids
One who forgot about the woman he lived with
Until she called me
Or the one who cooked a wonderful meal
I went to wash my hands
He had the filthiest bathroom ever
I felt obligated to eat the meal
It was actually wonderful
I ran and never returned there
Craziness you just don't get to see
Online profiles simply don't give you the truth
So I did my best, to learn things from each experience
Adding more and more to my endless list of questions
And still it didn't seem to help
I did my very best to try and remain patient
Until one day I reached my last straw
With a man I just 2 days before exchanged information with
Who decided to torment me by calling 6 times in 2 hours
The last time in the middle of my wonderfully hot shower
That I explained carefully I was doing just 15 minutes before
Really?
And with that final bit of madness
Something in me snapped
And while still butt naked
Still wet from that wonderfully hot shower
I dried my fingers
Marched to my laptop
And took back my power
I went to that online profile
Looked around one last time
And deleted that shit
And then for good measure
I went to my phone, deleted crazy man's number
And blocked our marathon relationship
Thank goodness for this program on my Blackberry
Any future texts
You'll be treated like spam
And any phone calls you attempt
Will roll straight to voice mail
And when and if you leave a message
I'm done boo, I won't listen
I'm through with you
I'm going back to the good old days
Meet me on a train, in the gym, on a produce aisle
I know he still might be crazy
But for now if you want to date me
Find me out there

Father's Day

My journey in love is not always poetic. Sometimes, it's serious introspection that involves no rythmn  or rhyme; just words. Simple and profound words...

Father’s Day
Father: Procreator, elder, leader, originator, creator, author; daddy, dad, papa, old man.

Father’s Day is always a bittersweet day for me. My mom died in 1999, and while my father is still present on this earth, ours has always been a volatile, exhausting relationship, because my father suffers from a mental illness. I used to be embarassed by it. Now, it's just part of my truth.

In complete honesty, I would always wish my mother a Happy Father’s Day each year when I was growing up, for she was both a mother and father to me. My childhood held glimpses of a father and his love from time to time – which I can fully say. And I know my father loved and still loves me. But I still lack the things that I truly need from him. Who my father is as a man; how he thinks, his examples of having healthy relationships with women, and the feeling of a complete love from him – that is what I’ve missed from my father. For me, that is the security you take with you into each relationship you have with men. Without it, you are lost. I watched a man who womanized most of his life. The women I would grow attached to, he left. He always seemed to be restless. He never seemed to be a man of his word. He promised so many things, and seldom, if ever, actually did any of the things he promised. And now, each hour, day, week and year that passes, I know that I will probably never really know him the way I desire.

This relationship – or lack thereof, has haunted every relationship I’ve had. Trying to…please, cling to, make better, excuse, forgive, apologize…to men that should have no place in my life, has been the life I have lived and relived over and over and over.

I finally realized that in order to change the way I was going about relationships – that in order for me to have healthy relationships – I had to do some serious cleansing and forgiving – of my father. I have been trapped as this little girl, suspended in time trying to do everything I could to please a troubled man. No matter how many A’s I received, no matter how many degrees I obtained…no matter how “good” I was, or how much I loved him – it all seemed to fall into this black hole. You can’t satisfy a soul that is not satisfied with its own self.

It was only recently, while I’ve been dealing with another break down of his, and another relationship of mine that ended badly that I got it. I cannot save him no matter how much I love him and I am not perfect and therefore, I cannot save every relationship I am involved in. At a time when my heart is broken, I am stressed about the uncertainty of my father and my life in general; I have learned a valuable lesson.

So, on the eve of this Father’s Day, I fully and completely forgive the man without whom I would not be here. My sense of humor, laugh and probably things I don’t even realize, all come from him. He loves me the best that he can, and the things that he hasn’t been able to provide, well at fifty, it’s time for me to figure it out myself.

And at the same time, I forgive myself. I thank God for these revelations, and I will now move forward differently. I have been praying and praying for God to reveal the key I needed, to understand myself, what’s wrong with me and how to have better relationships - and all along, that key was me. My energy, the confidence in knowing that I’m enough – all the time I’ve spent trying and trying – it’s all been wasted energy. I can’t save something or someone that is not worth saving, and I can no longer sacrifice me.

Happy Father’s Day dad; I love you, but I also love me.

V

Doubt

When you have doubt about one thing, it takes over your mind and crowds out everything else. Doubt eats away at your confidence. It acts like a tape playing over and over; a tiny, annoying voice reminding you endlessly of what you may be in capable of doing. Did you see the word may? See doubt is paralyzing. It causes fear when you haven't even experienced anything yet. And you probably won't because of doubt.
Here's a question - until it happens, why doubt? Doubt gives you permission to fail - to not try - to give up; quit. It provides you with a built in excuse. When you have doubt as you attempt something and it doesn't work out, doubt will be there to remind you why you should have "followed your mind" and - stayed home - not dated that guy - kept your money; not said anything...The truth is, your friend doubt kept you from really trying. So, you got exactly what your passion-less effort produced. Amazing how powerful our mind is!
And when you bring doubt into your relationship, it may as well be another man or woman, for it is surely a third person. Doubt is a monster. It will ooze and seep and destroy. You will only hear the negative chatter in your mind when talking. You will absorb things that may or may not really be there, and you will take those things into conversations with your friends who will rally to support you and bash your mate. After all, friends love and support you, and of course they want to protect you. And when that person leaves, doubt will be there to comfort and remind you why you should have listened to your mind and not your heart in the first place and not have gotten involved. You got what you expected.
Here's the thing; there's no magic pill to know what the future holds. And there's no guarantee that having faith in anything will allow it to work out. But doubt and fear are damaging. It's better to invest that energy in believing in yourself enough to go into things with open eyes. Have enough faith in your sense of judgment. Ask questions - and listen and believe the answers. Know your standard of excellence - what you will and will not tolerate. Respect yourself first. And be willing to walk away when you have enough information to know something is wrong.
From this day forward, have the courage to have just a little bit of faith in yourself....V

Seasons

We have all heard the saying...People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime...I think we grasp the first and last easily enough, but it's the season people - those that are only with us for a brief time that we seem to have a hard time wanting to let go of. And yet, we must. They've given to us what we needed. Let go...

Why do we fret and mourn the loss of seasonal people?
And yet, we don't do the same thing when it comes to a change in season
When the fall arrives, we start bringing out our sweaters and coats
And we put away bathing suits
We may miss the summer
But we know it will be back
That guy or girl is gone
Maybe you loved them
You certainly miss them
But he's gone
And so is she
Never to return
No matter how many times you will your phone to ring
Doesn't matter how good you were to them
It will never change a thing
They are gone
Like the changes of the seasons
When the leaves turn brilliant rich colors of yellow, red and green
And then they fall
When the snow in all its beauty and wonder falls and falls and falls
And then melts away to reveal wonderful spring flowers
When the summer comes
And the days become longer and longer
And the sunshine arrives
To brown and warm our skin
And bring bright sun-kissed highlights to our hair
Seasons change
And so do the people in our lives
You not feel it now
You may not realize
But it's best for you to heal
It's best for you to open your eyes
It's best for you simply....let him or her go
Because someone better is on the way
Just like that warm sweater
Warm rain kissing your face
Down coat
Great bathing suit
Christmas presents and eggnog
And even that Easter suit
Just like all these things
There will be someone else
And someone else
And someone else
Until
The right one walks in
For now though...
Enjoy the rain, wind, snow
Enjoy the sunshine
Enjoy each season as it comes through your life
Reason, season, lifetime.....

Dear Sister

Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open ~Alexander Graham Bell  ~ When one door of love opportunity ends, let it go. Too often, we want love so badly, that we hold on for dear life. Let go sister. You deserve better....V

Dear Sister,
This is an open letter to you
Of a tale we must all listen to...
There was this single woman I know, who possessed great beauty and brains
She went on many dates
There were some good ones
There were some bad ones
She prayed and prayed for change
She wanted the bad ones to go away
She wanted her Prince Charming
One day, she met a great guy
Smart, sexy, cute, a great job AND all those other winning attributes
Yep, he fulfilled a lot of things from her dream book
They had wonderful dialogue and chemisty
They exchanged numbers
And he called when he said he would
Their first date was electric
They laughed and talked liked reunited old friends
And during that conversation, he shared a truth
He wasn't interested in being serious
He had a few things he needed to do
His life wasn't yet complete
Be wanted to hang out, keep it light
"Is this okay with you", he replied, and flashed his dimpled, sexy smile
And she whispered "Sure, it's cool with me too"
They shared a passionate kiss
The chemistry flowed and flowed
And they settled down into a pattern
It felt like dating
Which she readily enjoyed
Instead of continuing to date others, to keep her search for Prince Charming going
She settled on this one
Why?
Because she felt SHE was the one
To make him change his mind
To make him want to settle down
To be his one and only
She worked overtime to blow his mind
Giving him - her body - great food - cool company - witty conversation
And all of her time - When he wanted any of the above
Of course it was all on his terms
This she didn't quite see
It felt so good to her, she knew he had to feel it too
On and on this went for sometime
But the story doesn't end riding off into the sunset
Eventually, the winds shifted
And he became less and less of how, who and what he was
Until slowly, there was no more
That he was interested in
The time had come for things to end
The more things unraveled, the harder she fought
To be better, do better
Accepting less and less
Hanging on for dear life
Why?
Because she knew SHE was the one
She could change his mind - if she just had more time to blow his mind
But she only had one body, time, soul and energy to give
And it just wasn't enough
For he had enough
He had told her the truth in the beginning
So long ago forgotten
And now she's left to sit at home
Alone ~ again
Wallowing in bitter tears
Why?
Because she wasn't the one
The sad thing about this whole story
The thing that she'll probably miss
If she took the time to be really honest with herself
He probably wasn't the one - for HER
Dear Sister,
We get so caught up in the man
So consumed by him and his needs
We forget about our plan, and what's important to fulfill our needs
We have dreams too - or at least we should
And a man who loves you, would care to know this about you
We get so caught up in the man
We lose sight of his character - lose sight of the good and bad
We lose sight of the truth
Which can only be revealed if we stop, look and really listen
Dear Sister,
You are a worthy prize!
Take your emotions out of the picture, and really analyze
This man that stands before you
Ask lots of questions - and listen for the answers
Compare them to what you want
Stop clinging to fantasies
It's time to get real
And if things don't add up
If he's not willing to meet you halfway
Dear Sister,
You have to be willing to let him go
Because honestly, the moral of this tale is
He's just another frog
He's not your Prince
Stop holding on out of fear
There are other doors of love opportunity
God has a better plan for you
Close this one....

Mirage

The flow of love....Sometimes, I have to be honest and confess that I still think of you. More often than anyone knows. Except me. When I close my eyes, there you are. Present. Real. In my mind, you are here. Still here, loving me. In my mind. When I close my eyes....

I close my eyes

And I can see, touch, feel you
Like a mirage, you only exist in my mind
Yet, here you are
It's like old times between us
Things are still the same
Same dazzling smile
Same soft brown eyes
Same soft lips
Things are still the same
The way your hand fits mine
The way you touch my hips
All these memories and more
Rush right back in like a flood
Flood me
Fuel me
Fill me
With you
Here you are
It's like yesterday, is today
The feel of you I've memorized
It plays like a familiar lullaby
Or jazz tune
A sweet, sweet tune
That I've heard time and time again
Our song
A love song
Here you are
My long lost love
For a moment, you are real
For a moment, you are still here
For a moment, you are still mine
For a moment, this is real
I close my eyes
And I can see, touch, feel you
In my mind, you are still here
Like a mirage.....

Foundation

Value; The thing we as women tend to lose sight of, while falling in love. If it comes down to a choice of holding on to him, or you - choose you. If he was meant to stay, he wouldn't be leaving. And if he's leaving, he wasn't meant to stay. Love is a partnership. Take the time to work on your portfolio for the right business man....

I keep pointing the finger at you
Because that's so much easier to do
But I can't be of value to you
Until I build a better me
Yet, I keep looking at you
Blaming you for all the bullshit
I play this endless song of pity
Of being the victim
"It's all his fault" I sing loud and clear
But it's not about you
It's just about me
There's only one reflection in the mirror
Just me, staring back at me
And when I point my finger
My finger's pointing straight back at me
Damn
I can't build you
If I don't build me
It's just an empty foundation
That will surely fall
I can't be of value to you
Until I build a better me
No more finger pointing
It's time to get down to business
It's time to work on me
Build my brand
Become a better woman
A strong business partner
So I attract the right man to do business with me
To be my life partner
I have to spend time investing in me
Build my assests
Of self esteem
Of self love
Of everything
And tear down the walls
Of self hatred
Of low worth
Of low level thinking
Build my foundation on cement, not sinking sand
Build a better me
Build a better woman
No more finger pointing at you
I own myself
And I'm choosing me
A strong me
A better me
I am building me.....

Maybe

I am really trying my best with this whole love thing, to finally, fully figure it all out. This game is a brutal one in my mind, and I'm way too old to keep getting out there and getting stomped on. I know the notion of kissing a bunch of frogs in order to find my prince and all, but this....the lying, cheating, craziness is well - crazy. Sometimes I sit quietly, and ask myself what is about me that attracts all this. It's not a valid question that can be answered, but when you've gone through a series of mishaps, you've got to ask.

In the end, I KNOW that it's not me; just bad luck or a bad frog; but sometimes I think maybe....

Maybe it's just me
Maybe I'm so messed up, that I don't realize
I don't see
I mean after all, the common denominator here
~Is me
Me and him
And him
And him
But always, it's me
So maybe - it is me
Me who has the problem with love
Perhaps I don't trust enough
Share enough
Care enough
Love enough
What?
I'm just seeking to understand
Seeking to change
To be a better woman
So I'll be the woman
For someone
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe it's time to point the finger at me
Not as a victim
See, this is just me trying to learn the lesson
And that lesson may be - me
Looking at me
Wanting to change
Taking a long, hard look in the mirror
Facing the jurors for a verdict
See, I really want to get this right
These questions surface because I want something different for my life
I don't want to keep coming back to this
Sorting yet again to try and figure out what went wrong
Constantly revisiting this space of emptiness
This is me wanting to be a better me
I have no hidden agenda
No story
Nothing
I am here completey open
I am stripped down
I am bare
Trying to learn the lesson
Trying to get to the next passage or level
I don't want to keep returning back to the beginning to start over
I need a better understanding
I need a revelation
I need to simply understand
And maybe
Just maybe, with that understanding
I'll find myself
New, improved, sharper, smarter
Yes maybe
In this open state I'll be able to move ahead
I will be lucky to find the necessary change
Maybe I'll find the secret code
And in that
I'll find me
I'll find me
I'll find authentic, sexy ass, beautiful Valerie
The one who will attract the right one
I can hope that right?
Maybe.....