My journey in love is not always poetic. Sometimes, it's serious introspection that involves no rythmn or rhyme; just words. Simple and profound words...
Father’s Day
Father: Procreator, elder, leader, originator, creator, author; daddy, dad, papa, old man.
Father’s Day is always a bittersweet day for me. My mom died in 1999, and while my father is still present on this earth, ours has always been a volatile, exhausting relationship, because my father suffers from a mental illness. I used to be embarassed by it. Now, it's just part of my truth.
In complete honesty, I would always wish my mother a Happy Father’s Day each year when I was growing up, for she was both a mother and father to me. My childhood held glimpses of a father and his love from time to time – which I can fully say. And I know my father loved and still loves me. But I still lack the things that I truly need from him. Who my father is as a man; how he thinks, his examples of having healthy relationships with women, and the feeling of a complete love from him – that is what I’ve missed from my father. For me, that is the security you take with you into each relationship you have with men. Without it, you are lost. I watched a man who womanized most of his life. The women I would grow attached to, he left. He always seemed to be restless. He never seemed to be a man of his word. He promised so many things, and seldom, if ever, actually did any of the things he promised. And now, each hour, day, week and year that passes, I know that I will probably never really know him the way I desire.
This relationship – or lack thereof, has haunted every relationship I’ve had. Trying to…please, cling to, make better, excuse, forgive, apologize…to men that should have no place in my life, has been the life I have lived and relived over and over and over.
I finally realized that in order to change the way I was going about relationships – that in order for me to have healthy relationships – I had to do some serious cleansing and forgiving – of my father. I have been trapped as this little girl, suspended in time trying to do everything I could to please a troubled man. No matter how many A’s I received, no matter how many degrees I obtained…no matter how “good” I was, or how much I loved him – it all seemed to fall into this black hole. You can’t satisfy a soul that is not satisfied with its own self.
It was only recently, while I’ve been dealing with another break down of his, and another relationship of mine that ended badly that I got it. I cannot save him no matter how much I love him and I am not perfect and therefore, I cannot save every relationship I am involved in. At a time when my heart is broken, I am stressed about the uncertainty of my father and my life in general; I have learned a valuable lesson.
So, on the eve of this Father’s Day, I fully and completely forgive the man without whom I would not be here. My sense of humor, laugh and probably things I don’t even realize, all come from him. He loves me the best that he can, and the things that he hasn’t been able to provide, well at fifty, it’s time for me to figure it out myself.
And at the same time, I forgive myself. I thank God for these revelations, and I will now move forward differently. I have been praying and praying for God to reveal the key I needed, to understand myself, what’s wrong with me and how to have better relationships - and all along, that key was me. My energy, the confidence in knowing that I’m enough – all the time I’ve spent trying and trying – it’s all been wasted energy. I can’t save something or someone that is not worth saving, and I can no longer sacrifice me.
Happy Father’s Day dad; I love you, but I also love me.
V
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Doubt
When you have doubt about one thing, it takes over your mind and crowds out everything else. Doubt eats away at your confidence. It acts like a tape playing over and over; a tiny, annoying voice reminding you endlessly of what you may be in capable of doing. Did you see the word may? See doubt is paralyzing. It causes fear when you haven't even experienced anything yet. And you probably won't because of doubt.
Here's a question - until it happens, why doubt? Doubt gives you permission to fail - to not try - to give up; quit. It provides you with a built in excuse. When you have doubt as you attempt something and it doesn't work out, doubt will be there to remind you why you should have "followed your mind" and - stayed home - not dated that guy - kept your money; not said anything...The truth is, your friend doubt kept you from really trying. So, you got exactly what your passion-less effort produced. Amazing how powerful our mind is!
And when you bring doubt into your relationship, it may as well be another man or woman, for it is surely a third person. Doubt is a monster. It will ooze and seep and destroy. You will only hear the negative chatter in your mind when talking. You will absorb things that may or may not really be there, and you will take those things into conversations with your friends who will rally to support you and bash your mate. After all, friends love and support you, and of course they want to protect you. And when that person leaves, doubt will be there to comfort and remind you why you should have listened to your mind and not your heart in the first place and not have gotten involved. You got what you expected.
Here's the thing; there's no magic pill to know what the future holds. And there's no guarantee that having faith in anything will allow it to work out. But doubt and fear are damaging. It's better to invest that energy in believing in yourself enough to go into things with open eyes. Have enough faith in your sense of judgment. Ask questions - and listen and believe the answers. Know your standard of excellence - what you will and will not tolerate. Respect yourself first. And be willing to walk away when you have enough information to know something is wrong.
From this day forward, have the courage to have just a little bit of faith in yourself....V
Here's a question - until it happens, why doubt? Doubt gives you permission to fail - to not try - to give up; quit. It provides you with a built in excuse. When you have doubt as you attempt something and it doesn't work out, doubt will be there to remind you why you should have "followed your mind" and - stayed home - not dated that guy - kept your money; not said anything...The truth is, your friend doubt kept you from really trying. So, you got exactly what your passion-less effort produced. Amazing how powerful our mind is!
And when you bring doubt into your relationship, it may as well be another man or woman, for it is surely a third person. Doubt is a monster. It will ooze and seep and destroy. You will only hear the negative chatter in your mind when talking. You will absorb things that may or may not really be there, and you will take those things into conversations with your friends who will rally to support you and bash your mate. After all, friends love and support you, and of course they want to protect you. And when that person leaves, doubt will be there to comfort and remind you why you should have listened to your mind and not your heart in the first place and not have gotten involved. You got what you expected.
Here's the thing; there's no magic pill to know what the future holds. And there's no guarantee that having faith in anything will allow it to work out. But doubt and fear are damaging. It's better to invest that energy in believing in yourself enough to go into things with open eyes. Have enough faith in your sense of judgment. Ask questions - and listen and believe the answers. Know your standard of excellence - what you will and will not tolerate. Respect yourself first. And be willing to walk away when you have enough information to know something is wrong.
From this day forward, have the courage to have just a little bit of faith in yourself....V
Friday, May 6, 2011
Seasons
We have all heard the saying...People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime...I think we grasp the first and last easily enough, but it's the season people - those that are only with us for a brief time that we seem to have a hard time wanting to let go of. And yet, we must. They've given to us what we needed. Let go...
Why do we fret and mourn the loss of seasonal people?
And yet, we don't do the same thing when it comes to a change in season
When the fall arrives, we start bringing out our sweaters and coats
And we put away bathing suits
We may miss the summer
But we know it will be back
That guy or girl is gone
Maybe you loved them
You certainly miss them
But he's gone
And so is she
Never to return
No matter how many times you will your phone to ring
Doesn't matter how good you were to them
It will never change a thing
They are gone
Like the changes of the seasons
When the leaves turn brilliant rich colors of yellow, red and green
And then they fall
When the snow in all its beauty and wonder falls and falls and falls
And then melts away to reveal wonderful spring flowers
When the summer comes
And the days become longer and longer
And the sunshine arrives
To brown and warm our skin
And bring bright sun-kissed highlights to our hair
Seasons change
And so do the people in our lives
You not feel it now
You may not realize
But it's best for you to heal
It's best for you to open your eyes
It's best for you simply....let him or her go
Because someone better is on the way
Just like that warm sweater
Warm rain kissing your face
Down coat
Great bathing suit
Christmas presents and eggnog
And even that Easter suit
Just like all these things
There will be someone else
And someone else
And someone else
Until
The right one walks in
For now though...
Enjoy the rain, wind, snow
Enjoy the sunshine
Enjoy each season as it comes through your life
Reason, season, lifetime.....
Why do we fret and mourn the loss of seasonal people?
And yet, we don't do the same thing when it comes to a change in season
When the fall arrives, we start bringing out our sweaters and coats
And we put away bathing suits
We may miss the summer
But we know it will be back
That guy or girl is gone
Maybe you loved them
You certainly miss them
But he's gone
And so is she
Never to return
No matter how many times you will your phone to ring
Doesn't matter how good you were to them
It will never change a thing
They are gone
Like the changes of the seasons
When the leaves turn brilliant rich colors of yellow, red and green
And then they fall
When the snow in all its beauty and wonder falls and falls and falls
And then melts away to reveal wonderful spring flowers
When the summer comes
And the days become longer and longer
And the sunshine arrives
To brown and warm our skin
And bring bright sun-kissed highlights to our hair
Seasons change
And so do the people in our lives
You not feel it now
You may not realize
But it's best for you to heal
It's best for you to open your eyes
It's best for you simply....let him or her go
Because someone better is on the way
Just like that warm sweater
Warm rain kissing your face
Down coat
Great bathing suit
Christmas presents and eggnog
And even that Easter suit
Just like all these things
There will be someone else
And someone else
And someone else
Until
The right one walks in
For now though...
Enjoy the rain, wind, snow
Enjoy the sunshine
Enjoy each season as it comes through your life
Reason, season, lifetime.....
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Dear Sister
Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open ~Alexander Graham Bell ~ When one door of love opportunity ends, let it go. Too often, we want love so badly, that we hold on for dear life. Let go sister. You deserve better....V
Dear Sister,
This is an open letter to you
Of a tale we must all listen to...
There was this single woman I know, who possessed great beauty and brains
She went on many dates
There were some good ones
There were some bad ones
She prayed and prayed for change
She wanted the bad ones to go away
She wanted her Prince Charming
One day, she met a great guy
Smart, sexy, cute, a great job AND all those other winning attributes
Yep, he fulfilled a lot of things from her dream book
They had wonderful dialogue and chemisty
They exchanged numbers
And he called when he said he would
Their first date was electric
They laughed and talked liked reunited old friends
And during that conversation, he shared a truth
He wasn't interested in being serious
He had a few things he needed to do
His life wasn't yet complete
Be wanted to hang out, keep it light
"Is this okay with you", he replied, and flashed his dimpled, sexy smile
And she whispered "Sure, it's cool with me too"
They shared a passionate kiss
The chemistry flowed and flowed
And they settled down into a pattern
It felt like dating
Which she readily enjoyed
Instead of continuing to date others, to keep her search for Prince Charming going
She settled on this one
Why?
Because she felt SHE was the one
To make him change his mind
To make him want to settle down
To be his one and only
She worked overtime to blow his mind
Giving him - her body - great food - cool company - witty conversation
And all of her time - When he wanted any of the above
Of course it was all on his terms
This she didn't quite see
It felt so good to her, she knew he had to feel it too
On and on this went for sometime
But the story doesn't end riding off into the sunset
Eventually, the winds shifted
And he became less and less of how, who and what he was
Until slowly, there was no more
That he was interested in
The time had come for things to end
The more things unraveled, the harder she fought
To be better, do better
Accepting less and less
Hanging on for dear life
Why?
Because she knew SHE was the one
She could change his mind - if she just had more time to blow his mind
But she only had one body, time, soul and energy to give
And it just wasn't enough
For he had enough
He had told her the truth in the beginning
So long ago forgotten
And now she's left to sit at home
Alone ~ again
Wallowing in bitter tears
Why?
Because she wasn't the one
The sad thing about this whole story
The thing that she'll probably miss
If she took the time to be really honest with herself
He probably wasn't the one - for HER
Dear Sister,
We get so caught up in the man
So consumed by him and his needs
We forget about our plan, and what's important to fulfill our needs
We have dreams too - or at least we should
And a man who loves you, would care to know this about you
We get so caught up in the man
We lose sight of his character - lose sight of the good and bad
We lose sight of the truth
Which can only be revealed if we stop, look and really listen
Dear Sister,
You are a worthy prize!
Take your emotions out of the picture, and really analyze
This man that stands before you
Ask lots of questions - and listen for the answers
Compare them to what you want
Stop clinging to fantasies
It's time to get real
And if things don't add up
If he's not willing to meet you halfway
Dear Sister,
You have to be willing to let him go
Because honestly, the moral of this tale is
He's just another frog
He's not your Prince
Stop holding on out of fear
There are other doors of love opportunity
God has a better plan for you
Close this one....
Dear Sister,
This is an open letter to you
Of a tale we must all listen to...
There was this single woman I know, who possessed great beauty and brains
She went on many dates
There were some good ones
There were some bad ones
She prayed and prayed for change
She wanted the bad ones to go away
She wanted her Prince Charming
One day, she met a great guy
Smart, sexy, cute, a great job AND all those other winning attributes
Yep, he fulfilled a lot of things from her dream book
They had wonderful dialogue and chemisty
They exchanged numbers
And he called when he said he would
Their first date was electric
They laughed and talked liked reunited old friends
And during that conversation, he shared a truth
He wasn't interested in being serious
He had a few things he needed to do
His life wasn't yet complete
Be wanted to hang out, keep it light
"Is this okay with you", he replied, and flashed his dimpled, sexy smile
And she whispered "Sure, it's cool with me too"
They shared a passionate kiss
The chemistry flowed and flowed
And they settled down into a pattern
It felt like dating
Which she readily enjoyed
Instead of continuing to date others, to keep her search for Prince Charming going
She settled on this one
Why?
Because she felt SHE was the one
To make him change his mind
To make him want to settle down
To be his one and only
She worked overtime to blow his mind
Giving him - her body - great food - cool company - witty conversation
And all of her time - When he wanted any of the above
Of course it was all on his terms
This she didn't quite see
It felt so good to her, she knew he had to feel it too
On and on this went for sometime
But the story doesn't end riding off into the sunset
Eventually, the winds shifted
And he became less and less of how, who and what he was
Until slowly, there was no more
That he was interested in
The time had come for things to end
The more things unraveled, the harder she fought
To be better, do better
Accepting less and less
Hanging on for dear life
Why?
Because she knew SHE was the one
She could change his mind - if she just had more time to blow his mind
But she only had one body, time, soul and energy to give
And it just wasn't enough
For he had enough
He had told her the truth in the beginning
So long ago forgotten
And now she's left to sit at home
Alone ~ again
Wallowing in bitter tears
Why?
Because she wasn't the one
The sad thing about this whole story
The thing that she'll probably miss
If she took the time to be really honest with herself
He probably wasn't the one - for HER
Dear Sister,
We get so caught up in the man
So consumed by him and his needs
We forget about our plan, and what's important to fulfill our needs
We have dreams too - or at least we should
And a man who loves you, would care to know this about you
We get so caught up in the man
We lose sight of his character - lose sight of the good and bad
We lose sight of the truth
Which can only be revealed if we stop, look and really listen
Dear Sister,
You are a worthy prize!
Take your emotions out of the picture, and really analyze
This man that stands before you
Ask lots of questions - and listen for the answers
Compare them to what you want
Stop clinging to fantasies
It's time to get real
And if things don't add up
If he's not willing to meet you halfway
Dear Sister,
You have to be willing to let him go
Because honestly, the moral of this tale is
He's just another frog
He's not your Prince
Stop holding on out of fear
There are other doors of love opportunity
God has a better plan for you
Close this one....
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Mirage
The flow of love....Sometimes, I have to be honest and confess that I still think of you. More often than anyone knows. Except me. When I close my eyes, there you are. Present. Real. In my mind, you are here. Still here, loving me. In my mind. When I close my eyes....
I close my eyes
And I can see, touch, feel you
Like a mirage, you only exist in my mind
Yet, here you are
It's like old times between us
Things are still the same
Same dazzling smile
Same soft brown eyes
Same soft lips
Things are still the same
The way your hand fits mine
The way you touch my hips
All these memories and more
Rush right back in like a flood
Flood me
Fuel me
Fill me
With you
Here you are
It's like yesterday, is today
The feel of you I've memorized
It plays like a familiar lullaby
Or jazz tune
A sweet, sweet tune
That I've heard time and time again
Our song
A love song
Here you are
My long lost love
For a moment, you are real
For a moment, you are still here
For a moment, you are still mine
For a moment, this is real
I close my eyes
And I can see, touch, feel you
In my mind, you are still here
Like a mirage.....
I close my eyes
And I can see, touch, feel you
Like a mirage, you only exist in my mind
Yet, here you are
It's like old times between us
Things are still the same
Same dazzling smile
Same soft brown eyes
Same soft lips
Things are still the same
The way your hand fits mine
The way you touch my hips
All these memories and more
Rush right back in like a flood
Flood me
Fuel me
Fill me
With you
Here you are
It's like yesterday, is today
The feel of you I've memorized
It plays like a familiar lullaby
Or jazz tune
A sweet, sweet tune
That I've heard time and time again
Our song
A love song
Here you are
My long lost love
For a moment, you are real
For a moment, you are still here
For a moment, you are still mine
For a moment, this is real
I close my eyes
And I can see, touch, feel you
In my mind, you are still here
Like a mirage.....
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Maybe
I am really trying my best with this whole love thing, to finally, fully figure it all out. This game is a brutal one in my mind, and I'm way too old to keep getting out there and getting stomped on. I know the notion of kissing a bunch of frogs in order to find my prince and all, but this....the lying, cheating, craziness is well - crazy. Sometimes I sit quietly, and ask myself what is about me that attracts all this. It's not a valid question that can be answered, but when you've gone through a series of mishaps, you've got to ask.
In the end, I KNOW that it's not me; just bad luck or a bad frog; but sometimes I think maybe....
Maybe it's just me
Maybe I'm so messed up, that I don't realize
I don't see
I mean after all, the common denominator here
~Is me
Me and him
And him
And him
But always, it's me
So maybe - it is me
Me who has the problem with love
Perhaps I don't trust enough
Share enough
Care enough
Love enough
What?
I'm just seeking to understand
Seeking to change
To be a better woman
So I'll be the woman
For someone
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe it's time to point the finger at me
Not as a victim
See, this is just me trying to learn the lesson
And that lesson may be - me
Looking at me
Wanting to change
Taking a long, hard look in the mirror
Facing the jurors for a verdict
See, I really want to get this right
These questions surface because I want something different for my life
I don't want to keep coming back to this
Sorting yet again to try and figure out what went wrong
Constantly revisiting this space of emptiness
This is me wanting to be a better me
I have no hidden agenda
No story
Nothing
I am here completey open
I am stripped down
I am bare
Trying to learn the lesson
Trying to get to the next passage or level
I don't want to keep returning back to the beginning to start over
I need a better understanding
I need a revelation
I need to simply understand
And maybe
Just maybe, with that understanding
I'll find myself
New, improved, sharper, smarter
Yes maybe
In this open state I'll be able to move ahead
I will be lucky to find the necessary change
Maybe I'll find the secret code
And in that
I'll find me
I'll find me
I'll find authentic, sexy ass, beautiful Valerie
The one who will attract the right one
I can hope that right?
Maybe.....
In the end, I KNOW that it's not me; just bad luck or a bad frog; but sometimes I think maybe....
Maybe it's just me
Maybe I'm so messed up, that I don't realize
I don't see
I mean after all, the common denominator here
~Is me
Me and him
And him
And him
But always, it's me
So maybe - it is me
Me who has the problem with love
Perhaps I don't trust enough
Share enough
Care enough
Love enough
What?
I'm just seeking to understand
Seeking to change
To be a better woman
So I'll be the woman
For someone
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe it's time to point the finger at me
Not as a victim
See, this is just me trying to learn the lesson
And that lesson may be - me
Looking at me
Wanting to change
Taking a long, hard look in the mirror
Facing the jurors for a verdict
See, I really want to get this right
These questions surface because I want something different for my life
I don't want to keep coming back to this
Sorting yet again to try and figure out what went wrong
Constantly revisiting this space of emptiness
This is me wanting to be a better me
I have no hidden agenda
No story
Nothing
I am here completey open
I am stripped down
I am bare
Trying to learn the lesson
Trying to get to the next passage or level
I don't want to keep returning back to the beginning to start over
I need a better understanding
I need a revelation
I need to simply understand
And maybe
Just maybe, with that understanding
I'll find myself
New, improved, sharper, smarter
Yes maybe
In this open state I'll be able to move ahead
I will be lucky to find the necessary change
Maybe I'll find the secret code
And in that
I'll find me
I'll find me
I'll find authentic, sexy ass, beautiful Valerie
The one who will attract the right one
I can hope that right?
Maybe.....
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